A Chase After Wind

Making My Excuses

2012-02-02T21:26:00.001-06:00

Oh hi.

So, its been over a month.

And not only have I not written on this blog in over a month, but also for the first time in years and years and years (How many years since I started blogging? Could it be 10 years?! Wow.) - I haven't even wanted to write.

Normally my writing dry spells are accompanied by guilt and hand-wringing and mental compositions.

But not this time.

This time I have just been too much involved in living and working and fretting and loving and distracting and enduring.

I haven't been taking many pictures either.

My life is in a weird space and I guess I just don't feel like documenting it.

I feel like I am in an in-between space, and its cramped and dark and narrow (and maybe a little cozy too), and I can't really breathe or think much until I make it out to the other side.

But things are on a good trajectory. For the first time in a while, I am hopeful.

2011 in Review

2011-12-30T12:56:00.002-06:00

Coming out of hibernation to do my annual look back at the year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS!!

*Answers the same as last year.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Served as a doula three times! Yeah babies!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made one last year, but I can't remember what it is because I didn't write it down. So I am thinking I didn't keep it. I do have three/four resolutions for this year: 1) to run a 5K, 2) to run a 10K, 3) to lose 20 pounds, OR 4) have another baby, in which case 1-3 will get put on hold. :o)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Mah best friend Genie!!! And my niece Hannah and her husband Mike. And several friends at church.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A dear friend from our old church - I wouldn't say we were close, but I was touched by her death as it was bittersweet.

5. What places did you visit?
Not anywhere I couldn't drive to in under an hour. :-/

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A bit more money in savings.*

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This sounds like a copout answer, but I am not a very sentimental person and I am rubbish with dates. Nothing springs to mind.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Starting out my practice as a doula.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Lack of discipline in the areas of healthy eating, exercise, spending and house-cleaning.* (same answer 3rd year in a row! *sad face*)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A twisted ankle this summer. That's about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Camera+ for my iPhone. I stink at taking photographs, but this app allows me to take great looking pictures of Josiah.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband, who is an awesome father, supportive partner, and a wonderful budding teacher.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
If I hear another news story about a mother who murdered her baby...just can't handle it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food!!! (We have started trying to budget, and the first month we spent so much on food I about passed out.)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Other people having babies and allowing me to be there to assist them. Watching Josiah grow.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
The Wheels on the Bus (go round and round....round and round...round and round!)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier*
b) thinner or fatter?
about 3-4 pounds fatter :(
c) richer or poorer?
poorer :( *

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laughing, exercising, sleeping*

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating junk food, wasting time, worrying*

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Several parties with family and friends*

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
not newly in love, but my love for my husband and son has deepened.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

DOWNTON ABBEY!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope. I don't hate people.*

24. What was the best book you read?
I really enjoyed The Hunger Games trilogy and The Dark Tower a whole lot.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't really pay as much attention to music as I once did. Probably 2 stations on Pandora - the Children's Folk station (so awesome) and the Ambient station (the kind of music you would hear when getting a massage). WOW, I'm a huge nerd.

26. What did you want and get?
A Vera Bradley hipster purse. (Thanks mommy!)

27. What did you want and not get?
A Kindle. So I am going to reward myself with one if I run the 10K.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Winters Bone - a 2010 film, but I watched it this year. So awful but so good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent it with my immediate family, ate good food, opened early Christmas gifts, watched Batman Begins. Oh, and I turned 30. *choke*

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
ONE BILLION DOLLARS*

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Comfortable. Confused. Borderline Frumpy. That made me think of another resolution: figure out my personal style and fix my wardrobe accordingly.

32. What kept you sane?
naps, deep breaths, advice and support from other moms*

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really dwell on such things, honestly.*

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Not sure, but my husband has watched ALL of the Republican Presidential debates, and so I watched some of them and they really got me fired up with opinions!

35. Who did you miss?
Friends who live out of town, My Grammy*

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Genie's baby Cora, and my great-nephew Zach!!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Baby Steps. When you want to accomplish something, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. My tendency is to want something to be completed NOW, and if I can't have it that way, then I will give up or not even start.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
It don't have a job
Don't pay your bills
Won't buy you a home
In Beverly Hills

Won't fix your life
In five easy steps
Ain't the law of the land
Or the government

But it's all you need..

Love, will, hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm

And I'll, be, my brothers keeper
So the whole world will know
That we're not alone
("Hold Us Together" - Matt Maher)

(See Previous Years 2010, 2009 & 2008)

Why the Incarnation? Summary

2011-12-12T11:22:00.001-06:00

If anyone was even paying attention, you may have noticed that I stopped doing my daily Advent devotional.

My baby got the stomach flu. Then I got it. It was awful. And now I have a ton of sewing and cleaning to do before Christmas.

So...it was a great idea, but I know I won't get back to the daily posts.

My goal was to emphasize, for myself and anyone else listening, that we should contemplate the totality of why the Second person of the Trinity became a man. His life meant more than just His death.

Some of the other reasons for the Incarnation I would have mentioned:

To Bring Healing

To Seek the Lost

To Show us the Father

To be the Bread of Life

To Intercede and Pray for Us

To Restore All Creation

To Be Like Us, to share in our human condition and understand experientially what it is to be human, to be tempted, to laugh with friends, to suffer loss, to be hungry, etc... "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." {Hebrews 4:15}

(baby picture courtesy of my sweet little Bird)

Why the Incarnation? To Forgive Sin

2011-12-05T14:45:00.000-06:00

Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”

At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”

Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins. So he said to the paralyzed man, "Get up, take your mat and go home.” Then the man got up and went home. When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man.

Oh love wash over a multitude of things,
make us whole.

Why the Incarnation? To Fulfill the Law

2011-12-04T16:58:00.001-06:00

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished." {Matthew 5:17-18}

Before the coming of this faith, we were held in custody under the law, locked up until the faith that was to come would be revealed. So the law was our guardian until Christ came that we might be justified by faith. Now that this faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian. {Galatians 3:23-25}

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. {Isaiah 7:14}

Why the Incarnation? To Be Our Shepherd

2011-12-03T21:45:00.001-06:00

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd."

.....

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
   He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
   he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.

Why the Incarnation? To Give Rest to the Weary

2011-12-02T12:23:00.001-06:00

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." {Matthew 11:28-30}

....

And you, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing.
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing!

7 Quick Takes Friday: How to Meal Plan

2011-12-02T11:27:00.001-06:00

- 1 -

I recently mentioned on Facebook and Twitter that I have become successful at meal-planning, not just a week at a time, but a month at a time. I got more of a response than I expected, and the unanimous response was "Oh wow, you are amazing, I wish I could do that, but never in a million years..." etc. Maybe not always that strongly-worded, but that was the general gist. SO, even though there are probably eleventy-billion meal-planning how-to's (three hyphenated words in a row, ding!) on the internet, I made this system up myself, it works for me despite being a VERY LAZY PERSON, and now that I have started doing it I would never go back to not doing it, I thought I would share my:

A CHASE AFTER WIND'S FIVE STEPS TO MONTHLY MEAL PLANNING!

- 2 -

Step One: Develop a Meal Repertoire

You probably have already done this, if not physically, then in your head. Basically, you want a fairly long but not crazy long list of meals that you can make from memory with ingredients you are used to buying. This is going to vary wildly from person to person, as some of us are used to buying Bok Choy on a regular basis and some of us are not.

I recommend just making a simple word processing document on your computer or online where you can easily access your list to use it and edit it. I then print mine out because I just have an easier time referencing things on paper, but that is just me.

Then organize the recipes in whatever way makes sense to you. I have mine organized in two ways - first they are categorized by chicken, seafood, beef/pork and vegetarian. Then within each of those categories, I have meals that are super easy, less easy, special occasion, and crockpot.

Remember, the key is to keep these recipes exclusively (or mostly) recipes that you know by heart and don't require weird (for you) grocery items.

- 3 -

Step Two: Get Some Organizing Materials

Create some kind of station where you will have the actual meal planning written out and posted for yourself. Mine is on the refrigerator. It consists of a weekly dry-erase board, and mini dry-erase boards for my shopping lists. I created the mini dry-erase boards by getting cheap clear plastic magnetic photo frames from the drug store and inserting a colored piece of paper. As you can see, I am stuffing too many lists on to my mini boards, so I need to go get some more frames.

(pardon the crummy iPhone photo, a photographer I am not)

You don't have to do it exactly like this, but you do need to find a way to write and reference your plan easily for the week.

- 4 -

Step Three: Planning for the Month

Towards the end of the month, I sit down with my computer and my calendar and I plan out the meals for the next month. It only takes about 15-20 minutes, honestly. In another word processing document, I have the days listed out for the whole month, Monday through Sunday, and I simply go through my Meal Repertoire and assign meals to each day, week by week.

There does not have to be any rhyme or reason to this, but if you are looking for guidance, here is what I do. I generally try to have one chicken, one seafood, one beef/pork, and four vegetarian meals per week. (I do this partially for nutritional reasons, and partially to save money.) I look at what I already have in my fridge and pantry, and find meals that match those ingredients first. I also try to choose a variety of ingredients so that, for example, we are not eating pasta five nights a week (although you wouldn't get any complaints from me).

If there are nights you know you won't be home, write that on your plan. Choose super easy meals or crockpot meals for nights you know you are busy (i.e. Tuesday night book club). Make sure to take leftovers into consideration when making larger meals like lasagna. I often write leftovers into the plan. And I also reserve some nights for CYO - "choose your own" - for nights when I can't or don't want to cook anything. CYO nights mean making whatever you want that is in the house.

- 5 -

Step Four: Planning for the Week

On Sunday evening, I open up my monthly meal plan calendar document and transfer the following week's dinners to my weekly menu dry-erase board. Takes two minutes.

- 6 -

Step Five: Grocery Lists

Usually on Sunday night, or some times on Monday, I do a scan of the fridge and pantry. Any items that are needed for that week's meals which we do not already have get added to the list.

As you can see from the picture way above, I regularly shop at five different stores. This is what I need to do to achieve the best balance of quality and savings. And since I am a stay at home mom, I am able to go to five different stores. When I worked, I would never have done this, I always did all my shopping at one or two stores. You will have to decide which will work for you, but whatever you choose, create separate lists for each store you will visit, as it will make things easier for you when it is time to go shopping.

- 7 -

Other Tips:

Keep this very important fact in mind: THIS PLAN IS NOT WRITTEN IN STONE. Not a week has gone by that I have not deviated from the plan. Sometimes I switch the order of meals. Or an unexpected dinner invite means a meal gets skipped. Who cares? The meal plan is not there to limit you, but rather to free you up from having to think about what to make for dinner at the last minute. When what you have planned for that evening isn't needed or useful, change it or discard it.

Also, I do not recommend trying to plan all of your meals, at least not right off the bat. I tried that several times in my first attempts at meal-planning, and it always failed. It failed in three ways - first, it was overwhelming in complexity and I would give up. Second, I wasted a lot of food, for whatever reason. And third, all that planning made me resent my meals too much. I never seemed to want to eat what was on the plan when EVERYTHING was on a plan. As it is, I do sort of plan for breakfast, lunch and snacks insofar as I keep on hand a few options for each so that I am not reinventing the wheel everyday. But I only plan dinners, and I will probably always keep it that way.

As another incentive to try meal planning - we waste WAY less food than we used to waste since I started meal planning. I am ashamed at how much food I used to throw away when I cooked and grocery-shopped impulsively. I would purchase whatever sounded good to me at the store (mmm, sweet potato!) and then put it away and either forget about it, or never be in the mood to make it (ewww, rotten sweet potato!). Meal-planning takes away the element of relying what mood I am in, so I only buy what I am going to cook and eat.

Even though it might take some initial time investment, I promise you that this will save you time. Or at least will make your time feel better spent.

Why the Incarnation? To Teach with Authority

2011-11-30T21:18:00.001-06:00

When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law. {Matthew 7:28-29}

The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a person from the snares of death. {Proverbs 13:14}

When it's all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters
Did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for you?

Why the Incarnation? To Break Down Barriers

2011-11-30T07:30:00.000-06:00

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,
for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free,
nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. {Galatians 3:26-28}

I do think war can be over if we want it, but we will only want it by the grace of God, through Christ Jesus. Thankfully that is what will happen, what is happening...

After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people, and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. {Revelation 7:9}

Why the Incarnation? To Bring Light into Darkness

2011-11-29T07:30:00.000-06:00

Silent Night, Holy Night
Son of God, Love's Pure Light.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. {John 1:1-9}

Why the Incarnation?* To Announce the Kingdom

2011-11-28T21:24:00.001-06:00

Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God.
“The time has come,” he said. “The kingdom of God has come near.
Repent and believe the good news!” {Mark 1:14b-15)

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." {Romans 14:17}

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

.......

(*Note: It is my intention to post every day during advent another reason for the Incarnation. I will be mentioning reasons relating to Jesus' death and our salvation...but I am feeling convicted that we sometimes emphasize that so much that we forget to think about all the other beautiful, amazing, breath-taking reasons why God became a human being. That is what I will be reflecting on this Advent, and I wanted to make it clear that this was my hope for you as well.)

Why the Incarnation? To Model Love and Peace

2011-11-27T23:33:00.001-06:00

Truly he taught us
To love one another
His law is love
And his gospel is peace...

"It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end...

Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him...

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them." {John 13:1,3-5,12-17}

Five Minute Daily Makeup Routine for the Cheap and Lazy

2011-11-23T12:43:00.001-06:00

For most of my life, I have not worn makeup. Not being a girly-girl, I never even owned any makeup until I reached college. Even then I would only attempt to put makeup on for very special occasions, like weddings and such. For the most part I felt silly and the makeup honestly didn't really improve my looks all that much.

But I am going to turn 30 next month (THIRTY! That is a big number of years!) and starting maybe a year ago, I realized that I had reached the age that I needed makeup to prevent me from looking sickly.

I had to learn how to put on makeup without making myself look like a clown, and it had to be fast and cheap because I am lazy and poor.

So, here is where I pretend to know anything about makeup. I thought I would share with you a quick daily makeup regiment, using only makeup under $10 that can be purchased at any Target, drug store or what have you. (Apologies to my male readers.)

FIVE MINUTE DAILY MAKEUP FOR THE CHEAP AND LAZY

1) Start with a clean, moisturized, sleep-deprived face.

2) Begin by applying concealer under your eyes, using your ring finger because your ring finger is the total wimp of fingers and isn't strong enough to give you wrinkles.

I have been using CoverGirl & Olay Simply Ageless Concealer. Target's website says $13.99, but I paid $10.99 in store. (Oops, that is over $10. But only by $1.)

3) Next apply mascara on both upper and lower eyelashes, with a back and forth motion to separate the lashes.

Now, most makeup regiments nowadays will tell you that FOR GOODNESS SAKE YOU MUST CURL YOUR LASHES OR ELSE IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE USE AN EYELASH CURLER. Well, I beg to differ, makeup experts. I am sure eyelash curlers work for some people - and if you are one of those people, then by all means, curl your lashes at this stage. But I am not one of those people. I have long enough lashes as it is, and the curler only makes them look like they are standing up at a right angle to my face. Which looks really dumb. Anyway, I am currently using CoverGirl Volume Exact in black-brown ($6.24), but I am also fond of that good old standard pink and green Maybelline Great Lash (only $4.24!)

4) Next, apply blush to the apples of your cheeks. To do this, you must smile at yourself in the mirror like a total goober.

You want to choose a blush that complements your skin tone. Warm skin tones (with an olive undertone) should stick with bronzes and plum blushes. Cool skin tones (with a pink or blue undertone) should use pink blushes. Neutral skin tones (which is what I am, sort of pink but mostly just fair with no undertone color) should use peach blushes. I am using Maybelline Matte Mousse Cream Blush in Peach Satin ($5.94). Powdered blushes and bronzers are totally fine too, but since I discovered cream blush, I have found that prefer it.

5) Next, highlight your eyes with a light, shimmery shadow. With a brush, apply eye shadow to your upper lid, the inner corner of your eye, and just along the bottom outer edge of your eye.

I am using CoverGirl Eye Enhance Shadow in Champagne ($3.14). There are also eye highlighting pencils, but I have not yet tried one. Anyone recommend them?

6) Next, apply a tinted lip gloss.

You can go crazy here with lip gloss color choice, because despite what the label might say, lip gloss doesn't stay on more than 20 minutes anyway. I would stick with pink, plum, nude, or clear - something that will complement your blush and not be too different from your natural lip color. I am using Revlon Colorstay Overtime Lipcolor in Neverending Nude ($6.68).

*Optional 7) If you are of a more oily complexion, a translucent mineral powder all over your face to set the makeup and prevent too much shine would be good at this point.

TA DA! You are finished!

I'm not going to win any beauty contests, but that is an improvement, I would say. Wouldn't you say?

So, what is your daily makeup regiment? What are your favorite makeup tips? Do you like to get more glammed up than I do on a daily basis?

The 90s Weren't All Bad

2011-11-21T18:32:00.001-06:00

I don't know about you, but the 90s were not a great decade for me.

Those were the years of middle school and high school. And while there were some bright spots, and I had great friends and fun times, I was also terribly AWKWARD. So so awkward. Oh gosh, just thinking of myself back then give me hives.

That was the decade of baggy black t-shirts with band logos printed on them. The decade of black fingernail polish, hair dyed green (!!), two-tone shoes, and other terrible, terrible fashion choices. I had a round, pudgy face and eyebrows thick as caterpillars. I didn't know how to talk to boys, and often made "foot in mouth" type statements in their presence. It was not a pretty sight.

I went to high school with one of my sisters-in-law. She was two years ahead of me, and we were in choir together. When I "met" her once I had begun dating her brother, she didn't recognize me at all. So she went and pulled out her yearbooks to look me up. She could not believe I was the same person.

Me either! Me either.

I the midst of all that awkwardness (not to mention the various trials and tribulations of my family and social life), I turned to music. I turned to music for an identity. I turned to music to express my feelings in words I didn't know how to say. I turned to music to escape.

Now, over a decade later, I have put some of that music behind me. Sorry Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails and Pearl Jam - for the most part I am done with you. And all that ska music I supposedly listened to? Yeah, I didn't even really like you at the time, I just was trying to fit into a scene. And Stone Temple Pilots? Yikes, good riddance.

But there was other music that stayed with me, and I imagine always will stay with me.

And then, my husband opened me up to a whole new world of 90s indie music that I never new about at the time. Richard Buckner, Neutral Milk Hotel, R.E.M. (who of course I knew about, but failed to appreciate).

So, here is my playlist of 90s music that I still love. It is by no means complete - and I would love to hear your suggestions of what to add. What songs were part of your 90s soundtrack, songs that have stuck with you?

7 Quick Takes Friday: Overwrought Musings on Fashion and Stuff

2011-11-18T09:56:00.001-06:00

- 1 -

I do not have style.

No, I really don't, I am not just being harsh with myself.

Which is not to say that I don't sometimes dress well. Sometimes I do. But mostly I don't. And if you saw me on various days of the week, you would not be able to pinpoint what my personal style is. That's because it's basically a non-descript, Target/Old Navy-ish, midwestern young mom hodgepodge. I EVEN BUY CLOTHES AT COSTCO.

The thing is, I do have style in theory! I pore over catalogues from Anthropologie, Garnet Hill and Boden, I can spend ages looking at The Sartorialist, I love putzing around on Polyvore, and my "style" board on Pinterist is my largest board by far.

But none of that translates to my own person. This is partly due to a lack of funds. But even on the odd chance that I have some money to spend, when I try on the clothes that I love to look at, I look absolutely ridiculous. Clothes like that are made for skinny people. I am built like a German housewife.

There are some people who can manage to look fabulous with very little money and an imperfect figure. I am not one of those people.

- 2 -

Exhibit A: What am I wearing today?

- Boring bootcut jeans from Old Navy

- A navy blue tshirt from Target

- A lavender 3/4 length sleeve cardigan from Target

- This dorky watch from Target:

And this is one of my better looking outfits! Sad, sad, sad.

- 3 -

All joking aside, I can be very ambivalent about whether or not I care about my lack of style.

Sometimes I get downright depressed that I do not look fabulous on a daily basis. That I don't feel awesome and confident at all times. That my casual clothes would never get my photo taken by Scott Schuman.

But lately, I have become more and more disturbed by my preoccupation with fashion. A couple of weeks ago I was muling this over in my head, this struggle that I have with wanting to be something that I am not, and a lightbulb went off in my head. I suddenly realized:

Most of the women I envy are fashionable.

Most of the women I admire are not. (Or if they are, it's irrelevant.)

It was a breakthrough realization. One that may be obvious to other people, but which never really struck me before. So, lately, when I start to obsess over my wardrobe or my image, I have been asking myself: do I want to be the kind of person who is envied, or admired?

(I am quite aware that being fashionable and admirable are not mutually exclusive. And it sounds pretty egotistical to be seeking to be either envied or admired. My question is really just a shorthand for myself to remind me of what my priorities are, where I should be focusing my energy, and what kind of person I really want to be.)

- 4 -

At this point I feel like I should say that I don't think that dressing fashionably or being passionate about fashion are necessarily a bad thing. I think it is perfectly legitimate to express yourself with clothes, or to make it a personal interest, the way that some people are interested in film or art or line dancing. Not to mention it can be the source of legitimate careers, whether designer, clothing maker, fashion photographer, or whatever.

I suppose I could get all high and mighty and point out that couture and the runway look particularly absurd and even shameful in the light of, say, famine or lack of clean water in the third world. But that would be a little like throwing stones in a glass house as I type this post on a MacBook, with a flatscreen TV on in the background, with a closet full of clothes and fridge full of food in my middle class suburb.

The world is a better place for having beautiful things in it, and that can obviously include beautiful clothes.

- 5 -

I did make a recent purchase that is making me smile. I had a Anthropologie gift card burning a hole in my pocket, and I finally used it to get this:

It is a teeny-tiny terrarium necklace, with a letter "J" charm added for my husband and my son. I'm sure if anyone one else will like the look of it, but I sure do. And I guess that is the only thing about style that really matters, right?

- 6 -

Turns out I don't think I have seven things to say about fashion. Let me think....

- 7 -

Nope, I don't.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

2011-11-16T11:33:00.001-06:00

Opposite gender friendship is a topic that my husband and I discussed at length when we were dating and engaged because we felt it was important to have a mutual understanding before getting married. I have seen this topic come up quite a lot in public discourse recently, so I thought I would inflict my own opinion on the world.

The answer to this question, can men and women be friends, is: it depends.

First of all, it depends on what you mean by the question. If your question is really "can they be friends without sexual/romantic feelings developing," than I would say usually NO. At this point many people will pipe up and say "but I had opposite gender friends, and I never once felt the least bit attracted to them!" And to that I would say, but they probably were attracted to you. Now of course, this doesn't mean that you cannot continue to be friends with the person. It just means that for at least one of you, there will always be a bit of unrequited love/sexual tension within the friendship. I put in the usually above because I recognize that to every rule, there can be an exception. But I stand by that, as a rule, no, men and women cannot be friends without one of them desiring the other.

And now for ~~a highly scientific and not at all anecdotal~~ an entirely anecdotal bit of evidence. I took the time to count up all of the close male friends I have had since high school (not counting the males that I dated but was never friends with first). And by "close" friends, I mean males that I spent a significant amount of time with, at least some of which was spent just the two of us.

Of the 17 close male friends that I have had (is that a lot?), all but 4 of them ended up with either: a) me developing feelings for him, b) him developing feelings for me, or c) mutual feelings and dating.

Of the 4 guys where no obvious feelings were developed by at least one of the two parties involved, one is gay, one was well on his way to becoming a priest (and is now a priest) (and for all I know he may have had feelings for me at some point and was just good at sublimating/suppressing them for the sake of his vocation), one was engaged and married while we were in college together, and the other...well he may been an exception to the rule. Or he may have had feelings for me and I never knew it. But I know for sure he had strong feelings for another female friend of ours.

So, being generous, and not counting my gay friend, only 3 out of 16 relationships stayed mutually unsexual/unromantic. And I am not even completely sure of those 3. That is only a very questionable 18%. Science doesn't lie, folks.

Secondly, it depends on your stage in life. In high school, college and single adulthood, I would say that absolutely you can be friends with the opposite gender. And in fact, it is an important aspect of social development to get to know and learn how to navigate relationships with the opposite gender.

However, when you move into the stage of life where you are not just dating, but seriously dating someone with an eye toward marriage, that is when I think opposite gender friendships ought to be left behind. At this point, the question is not so much can men and women be friends, but should men and women be friends. And to that I would say NO, for the reason given in my first point - that it rarely refrains from turning romantic/sexual.

I realize that not everyone will share this conviction with me and my husband. People have to make decisions about their relationships with their own consciences, and I don't stand in a place of judgment. All I have to say is that looking at the prevalence of infidelity in our world, I just don't think you can be too careful.

In our relationship, my husband and I decided that close opposite gender relationships would no longer have a place in our lives. I still maintain some of the friendships I had previously, but now I hold them much more at arms length, and include my husband as much as possible. Any new male friends that I have made since committing to my husband have always been through and inclusive of my husband. I would never have lengthy interactions via email, Facebook or phone with a male friend. I would never tell share something with a male friend that I wouldn't share with my husband. And only twice that I can think of have I ever done something socially with a male friend without my husband present, and both times he knew and was comfortable with it. But as a rule, that is not be something we do.

We decided that we didn't just want to promise not to cheat on each other, but we wanted to promise not to even come within the realm of possibility of even a slight opportunity to cheat on each other. Maybe other people are more trusting of themselves than we are.

And now, you can all chime in with examples of how I am completely wrong about this! Or, completely right! What do you think? Do you agree with me that it is rare for men and women to be friends and have it not turn sexual, and that for this reason men and women should not be friends once in a committed relationship? Or am I a prudish curmudgeon? (I may be that regardless of the question at hand.)

Songs for a Little Bird

2011-11-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

I have just recently begun using Spotify for the music listenings. I actually registered for it pretty much the day it became available in the USA. Yet I was so fond of Pandora and Grooveshark, I didn't ever make the transition.

But then everyone in my Facebook timeline started using Spotify, and then I it was pointed out to me that using Grooveshark was pretty much the same as pirating music. So.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to make playlists to share with you, if you too are a Spotify user. And then you can make musical suggestions to me, and we can make playlists together, and YAY! SOCIAL MEDIA WIN.

The first playlist that I am going to share with you is the mix I created for Bird's first birthday party. Shall I share a picture with you from that day, for a bit of context? Yes, I shall.

I haz a cake.

You can find the playlist on Spotify here. Enjoy!

P.S. Our little Bird is 14 months today! I am going to try to post an update on his little life later today.

7 Quick Takes Friday - I'm Back?

2011-11-11T12:41:00.001-06:00

- 1 -

So, the 7 Quick Takes seems like a safe way to try to get back into regularly blogging. I am so out of the habit, that most days I don't even think to write anything. And if I do think of it, the prospect of sustaining an idea for any length of time seems... ... ...what was I saying? Oh yes, it seems too intimidating. I've turned more to Facebook and Twitter and Pinterist these days. And honestly, I haven't even visited those sites as frequently as I would have. I have toyed with the idea of removing myself from the internet completely. I believe I could do it. Just haven't been convinced I should...

- 2 -

I do plan on writing about what has been up with me during my blogging hiatus. But the 7 Quick Takes format seems a bit insufficient. However, if I continue to feel intimidated, I reserve the right to use it it get you all up to speed at a future Friday in time.

- 3 -

Can I tell you, one reason that I have not been able to give up on this blog entirely is that I failed to keep writing commitments (i.e. book reviews) that I made to 2 lovely ladies. (This one and this one.) I have no idea if they noticed, or if they cared, but my conscience has been pricked about it on a weekly basis. I do plan on keeping these commitments, hopefully very soon.

- 4 -

Another reason I haven't let it go is because whenever I hear about an opportunity to write somewhere that people would actually read what I have written, my heart jumps at the chance. I have two opportunities to write as a guest on other, much more widely read blogs than mine, all I have to do is take the time to write. If my writing is poor and inconsistent (or non-existent) it is only because I do not practice the discipline of writing. More on that later...

- 5 -

Completely apropos of nothing: I'm ready to have another BAAAYYY-BEEEEE! I must be nuts.

Also: Many thanks to all our military veterans, and prayers for those currently serving and their families.

Also: Happy Nigel Tufnel Day! The only one you or I will ever see...

- 6 -

One major change I am thinking of is spinning off some of my writing to a second blog. This other blog would focus on my more serious God/church/Jesus/philosophy/political ideas. I would keep this blog for my more personal/mommy/whatever ideas. The main reason for this plan is because I have noticed that since I have written on such disparate topics, it might be more appealing to my readers (all several of you) and make things more attractive to future readers if my blog stayed more on topic. Or it could have the opposite effect, it could dilute my "voice" or whatever, and one or both of them could peter out.

WHAT SAY YOU?

- 7 -

Nice to be back, if only for a while. xoxo

Still Alive

2011-11-03T20:19:00.000-05:00

And doing quite well, actually.

Are you still here? Still interested?

I supposed it doesn't really matter. If I continue writing, I should do it for myself, I should do it if I feel like I have been given something to say.

I still don't know the answer to that question.

But I felt like popping up for a second to say that for the first time in a long time, things are very good.

Circumstances haven't changed. It is my heart that has changed.

Perhaps, hopefully, more about this will be said very soon. Meantime, how are you?

12 Months, 52 Weeks, 365 Days

2011-09-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

Well here we are. ONE YEAR. I just can't really believe it.

Once again, it has been a big month! You are now crawling crazy fast, and I just love watching that bum of your wiggle back and forth as you charge around the house, doing very important things like chasing the cats.

You have also mastered pulling up onto tables and couches. You prefer standing so much now, that you can't bother to just sit and play anymore. You haven't taken any steps around the furniture yet, but you do like to stand without holding onto anything. In fact, that is one of your favorite games - standing as long as you can, and then falling back on your butt. Hilarious.

The biggest news, from mommy and daddy's perspective, is that YOU ARE NOW SLEEPING THOUGH THE NIGHT IN YOUR OWN ROOM!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!! With our new living arrangements, we finally were able to give you your own room, and your night sleeping was only getting worse and worse in bed with us. So one day your daddy I and I decided, this is the night. We put you in your own room, and it was a pretty rough night. We did the "Ferber"-like method of checking in on you every 5 minutes three times, then every 10 minutes three times, and then after 15 minutes. If at that point you were still crying, we could pick you up and comfort you to sleep. But it never came to that, you always fell asleep by the second round of 10 minutes. Of course, we had to go through that rigamarole 4 or 5 times, so it was a brutal night. And of course it breaks my heart to hear you cry, that is why we didn't do this before now. But we survived the night. And the next night? You only woke up once around midnight, put yourself back to sleep without us, and then slept 9 hours. There have been a few bumps in the road due to a couple of late nights and a cold virus. But we can pretty much expect you to sleep on your own all night now. We are all very pleased.

I feel as though this picture needs explanation - taking your weekly picture got much more challenging towards the end. You were indignant at the notion that you should have to stay in one place for 1 whole minute! This was the best picture I could get that week, and I figured I might as well show you in all your various moods, not just happy or calm. To be honest, I am glad this project is over! I might keep taking your picture once a month...maybe.

Eating is going very well. You absolutely love: string cheese, blueberries, raspberries, peas, chicken, turkey dogs, hummus, guacamole (but not plain avocados, go figure), bananas, and I just discovered today that you like kiwi. You also eat yogurt, graham crackers, pasta, applesauce, carrots, cheerios, butternut squash ravioli, and bits of whatever we are eating if it is safe for you.

You tried cow's milk for the first time yesterday, and you were unimpressed. You grimaced and let it dribble out of your mouth. Nice. You are definitely still a boob man, 4 times a day or so. I guess I will keep offering you the cows milk until you take to it, and hope my supply holds up until you are ready to switch over. I am so very pleased and grateful that we were able to breastfeed for a whole year! Although I will miss the snuggliness of nursing, I am ready for you to wean whenever you are ready.

Your one year checkup is not until next week, so I don't know how much you have grown. As I have mentioned before, you were getting kind of skinny there for a while. I have no idea what to expect on your growth charts, but your daddy and I agree that you are looking like you have chunked up a little bit. And we are so glad. You are too long for your 9 month clothes (which you have been wearing since you were 6 months!), but you don't quite fill out your 12 month clothes. You are just going to look like a ragamuffin scarecrow for a while I guess.

I am so proud of you, my biggest boy, and grateful to God for sending you to us.

Happy Birthday, my little Bird.

11 Months

2011-09-07T11:20:00.000-05:00

(This is almost a month overdue! Sorry.)

One more month to go before my baby has been with us for a full revolution of the earth around the sun. Cuh-razy. And this has been a BIG month for you, buddy!

SO, remember how I said you were in a lull period where you weren't really doing anything new? Well you decided to bust out of that lull like KA-POW! About half-way through this month, you started doing a whole bunch of new things all at once. And you are just SO MUCH more animated and goofy and energetic. Dare I even say hyper? You are never still.

The most exciting thing? You started crawling! It began with leaning forward and rocking on your arms. Then you would lean all the way onto your tummy - which would eventually make you mad, but not right away. Then one day, when I just HAPPENED TO BE FILMING YOU, you lunged forward with one arm, and sort of drug your legs behind you, and then did the other arm, and then a few more times, until you had reached you tummy time toy. I was so excited! And how thoughtful of you to wait until I had the video camera rolling. It only took a couple days for your lurches to turn into real crawling, but you are still pretty slow. Which is fine by me!

You have also started pulling up, although you never make it into a full standing position for more than a second, so I am not counting this as a full on pull-up just yet. But it is one of your favorite activities, until you get frustrated at not being able to make it. This is NOT your Papa's favorite activity, as he terribly nervous that you are going to bonk your head or face on the edge of the table. Which, you probably eventually will.

Another, smaller skill that you have mastered is clapping your hands. It is about the cutest thing in the whole world. If we clap our hands first, you will look at us with puzzlement on your face and wait for a minute or two, until we are sure you aren't going to clap in response. Then, just when we've about given up, you bust out a grin and start clapping. Yay, birdie claps! You also do it spontaneously, when you are happy or satisfied.

You of course are continuing to be more vocal, with an increasing variety of sounds. You now say "da da" very clearly, but I am still not sure if you are saying about your daddy, or if you are just saying it to be saying it. Sometimes I think you are saying it about ME, so maybe it's your generic word for parents, aka your favorite people in the world? The other day in the bathtub, I could have sworn you were trying to say "duckie" in response to me saying it. It came out more like "dah-ee." But still! Also, I have been doing animal sounds with you for over a month, and the only one you repeat is the sheep sound - "ba ba ba." One evening in the car on the way home from a party, you answered the question "What does a sheep say?" all by yourself, without having to be prompted. "Ba ba ba." Jim and I about passed out. You did it several times, while we gaped and laughed in the front seat. That was almost 3 weeks ago, though, and I haven't gotten you to do it since. Fluke?

The sleeping? Still not so good. We are still nursing, so I guess we will make it to one year. Awesome! But I am starting to be tired of it...only because it has become something of a struggle. You stop and start, and roll around and wrestle and pull away - not because you are finished! It is like trying to nurse a flopping fish, and I have sadly lost my patience with you a few times. I really will keep nursing as long as you keep coming back for more, but I wish you would just chill out for a few minutes until you finished! "Nope, mom, I gotta go!"

Looking Back

2011-09-01T08:57:00.000-05:00

Well, that last blog post was way gloomier than I intended. I was in a good frame of mind when I wrote it - which I guess tells you something about my definition of good? I don't think I am a pessimist, but I am certainly not an optimist. I like to think I am a realist with pessimist undertones.

Anyway, to lighten the mood, how about a Gratuitous Baby Picture from back in the day. My baby is getting close to turning one, and I have been looking at his newborn pictures, grieving the loss of this teeny-tiny guy who has been startlingly replaced by a bigger boy.

Let Me Sum Up

2011-08-30T11:45:00.001-05:00

Let me tell you something about myself: I really have to fight against inertia. And I often lose the fight.

Many days I wake up with the intention to accomplish a list of things - or maybe just one or two things - and instead I spend the day on the couch, on the computer, pulled down by the self-perpetuating weight of inactivity. I just can't seem to get a move on. Maybe I am prone to mild depression. It does tend to feel sometimes like I'm caught in the Swamp of Sadness. But I don't want to be caught in the Swamp of Sadness! We all know how things turned out for Artax.

While my life has its troubles from which I want to escape, and while even sometimes the good things in life seem daunting to me, the truth is I LOVE LIFE. I care about things. I am excited about things.

I have put off sharing what has been going on in our lives with you, to the point where I have built up the mystery way too much. And I don't really have the desire to write at length about such things, not at the moment. In the words of Inigo Montoya "Let me explain. No there is to much, let me sum up."

I have resigned from my full-time job, and I am now a stay-at-home mom. Although I feel very busy and still have lots of outside of the home things going on. I have been wanting to make this transition for a long time, and I am happy to say that so far, although I don't quite have it all figured out yet, it is a very good thing.

Partly in order to make me staying home possible, and also due to LOTS of other factors which I don't need to share, we have moved out of the tiny house we were renting and into my mother's basement. There are many good points to this change, but as anyone can imagine if they haven't done it, moving in with one's parents as an adult comes with a huge psychological blow and much personal sacrifice. I don't know how long this arrangement will last, but we hope it will be a good thing for the several reasons which I am not going to go into right now.

My husband is now teaching high school drama for a private Christian school, and has taken a semester off of seminary so we can re-evaluate finances, schedules, and future plans.

These have been the major changes to our circumstances, all on top of the continual miracle and emotional obstacle course that is raising a baby. A BABY WHO IS ABOUT TO TURN ONE. (*dies*)

This doesn't cover everything that has been going on, nor does it even begin to communicate the ups and downs and battles and victories and failures that have been going on in my head and my heart. I am trying to reevaluate what to share and how to share it, if I am going to return to writing in this venue. I have felt more private lately, more protective of my internal and external life, than I have ever felt before. So I don't know what to do with that, other than to keep silent.

I have also absolutely given up the notion of my blog becoming in any way "successful" or that I have any kind of immediate potential future as a professional writer - a desire that I am embarrassed to admit I have held on to for quite some time. Maybe someday down the line....but really, who am I kidding? I just don't have the personal discipline (or talent!) to be a (real) writer.

Ok, this is starting to meander...but I felt compelled to finally break the silence and at least check in. I don't know if this means I will be back to regularly scheduled blogging. We will have to see how I feel. But I won't disappear forever without at least saying goodbye.

Postponement

2011-08-14T00:06:00.005-05:00

I know it has been a few ~~days~~ weeks since I last posted. I know that I have promised to let you in on what has been going on with me and my family. I know that today my little Bird turns 11 months old, and so I should be writing his monthly update.

But all of that will have to wait.

Right now I am laying on the floor, surrounded by bath towels, next to my poor, sweet and very sick babe. Either a stomach bug or food poisoning has laid my buddy out. Thankfully, he has been sleeping for almost an hour now. But I am too anxious to fall asleep.

Even before this sad and scary interlude, however, I would have needed this postponement. Things are still in flux, and I am having a hard enough time figuring things out as I go along without trying to document it all.

Sometimes I need to write in order to process things. Sometimes, this time, I need to do some more processing before I can write.

7 Quick Takes Friday: Proust Questionnaire, part 2

2011-07-22T13:18:00.003-05:00

Another week without posting. Ugh, sorry! Don't give up on me, I'm gonna turn things around here soon! I think? I hope.

For now, let's do part 2 of the Proust Questionnaire:

- 1 -

Your idea of happiness?

Being comfortable and at peace and in communion with my self, with my body, with all people, and with God.

- 2 -

Your idea of misery?

To be scorned and rejected for who and what I am. Plus physical pain. Also bugs.

- 3 -

If not yourself, who would you be?

The best version of myself, having fulfilled all my potential. (Since that is not going to happen, sadly, on this side of heaven, it counts as an answer since it isn't the real myself that currently exists. I don't want to be anyone else but the perfect me.)

- 4 -

Where would you like to live?

Realistic(ish) answer: Either Colorado with an apartment in New York City, or maybe rural England with an apartment in London

Fantasy answer: Hobbiton

- 5 -

Your favorite color?

The background color of this website, and all similar shades: chartreuse, yellow-green, lime, green apple, etc...

- 6 -

Your favorite flower?

Lavender.

- 7 -

Your favorite bird?

Indigo Bunting

(Not very many of you gave me your answers last time. And that made me sad. Guilt trip!)

7 Quick Takes Friday: Better Late Than Never

2011-07-15T15:20:00.002-05:00

- 1 -

Yeeeeeeaaaahh...so I sort of disappeared from this blog for a while. Not the first time this has happened. And this time, it had nothing to do with our lack of internet connection at home. I periodically go through these phases when I think I am SO DONE with the internet. Forever.

I do think good comes from being online, so I don't condemn it outright. But lately I see so many more negative outcomes from "life" online - hurtful and pointless bickering via Facebook, Twitter and the blogosphere, and time-wasting being the top two - that I wonder if it is worth it. I have been very tempted to get rid of my Facebook and Twitter accounts, and say adios to this here blog.

- 2 -

Instead? I signed up for Google+. Sigh.

- 3 -

I'm going to see U2 this Sunday!!!! (That is, if my friend, for whom I am going to be a doula, doesn't go into labor on Sunday. (Her due date is today.) Hey! Do you hear me little baby?? Stay in there until at least Monday, thankyouverymuch!!!)

And thanks to a generous brother-in-law, our tickets got upgraded so we will be in the SIXTH ROW of the seats! Which really beats the only other time I have seen U2, when I was in the DEAD LAST ROW of the entire arena. Oh well, it was still the best concert I had ever been to.

- 4 -

So....remember all those big changes that I mentioned a few weeks ago? Well, I still don't feel quite ready to bring it all to light (How is that for a tease?), but the ball is rolling on a few of these things, and I am excited and terrified and our lives are about to be very different and I don't know if it will be for the better or for the worse. If you are a praying person, I know Jim and I would appreciate your prayers for this transitional time in our life. And for all of you - how do you handle transitions and uncertainty in your life? With gusto and a sense of adventure? Or constant fretting? Or, my personal favorite, avoidance and denial? How about ice cream and mac & cheese binges? Please share your tips and/or pitfalls.

- 5 -

Oh yes, I think I should mention, for all of you who don't know me IRL (that stands for "In Real Life" for all you internets-challenged), the trial for my sister-in-law's murderer came to an end. He was found guilty on all charges, and will be serving life in prison without the chance of parole. I cannot say that I am happy, but I am definitely relieved that this will hopefully ensure that he will never hurt another person again. I am thankful for that.

- 6 -

I am dorkily obsessed with the Myers-Briggs personality indicator. For a long time now, I have tested as a INFJ. The last couple of times I have taken quizzes, I have come out as an ISFJ. I still think the INFJ fits me better, but there are some strong ISFJ tendencies. Anyone who knows me, what do you think? Which fits me better - INFJ or ISFJ? (I know no one can fit neatly into a box, and that our personalities are unique and comlpex and evolving and blah blah blah, just let me enjoy labeling myself in the way an INFJ is wont to do.)

- 7 -

Gratuitous baby picture!

10 Months

2011-07-14T12:12:00.004-05:00

The one-year mark is getting distressingly close, and this bullet train just keeps on-a' rolling. I can't believe how big you are getting, Josiah Bird.

To be honest, I am sort of at a loss for what to write about. You aren't changing as rapidly as you did when you were a newborn. Your godmother Abby was just telling me that she remembers her daughter Ellie going through a "lull" where it didn't seem like any major changes happened for a while. And it was right about this time. You are definitely growing, but in tinier increments, so it is harder to pinpoint what is different about you from just one month ago. I can think of one thing....I love you even more! (Motherhood has turned me so sentimental and lame! I don't care!)

We have made tiny progress with regards to your eating. I found a great book, based on a recommendation from the wise Amalah, that has given me some good tips and guidance. You are eating thicker, lumpier food without much gagging anymore. And, you are really enjoying munching on graham crackers, which is a huge step forward! However, I have to stick the graham cracker in your mouth. You are still not making the connection to put food in your own mouth just yet. You still touch the bits of food we put in front of you with lots of curiosity and trepidation and grimaces. Ah well, you'll get there. Mom needs to chill out a little, I think that will help a lot.

Your talking and jabbering continues to become more varied and complex. You still mainly say "ba ba ba ba," "ma ma ma ma," "da da da da" and "bwa bwa bwa bwa" - but I have started hearing other vowel sounds like "dee dee dee" and some sounds that have migrating vowels and multiple consonants. I think I am looking forward to hearing you learn to talk more than anything as you grow up.

You not yet crawling, but you have made lots of strides in that direction. You are much more tolerant of being on your tummy, and when you are on the bed you roll all around and get on your knees and rock and bounce and act so silly. It's hilarious. Except when we are trying to nurse...then it's still funny but also exasperating. You are also trying to pull up onto things, although I have only seen you do it successfully once. However, if I stand you up near something, you can stand on your own for a good while.

I think you are going to be an animal person - maybe this is true of all babies, I don't know, but you LOVE dogs and cats. They not only fascinate you, but they crack you up! I am not all that fond of being a pet owner, but if you do turn out to have an affinity for other creatures, I guess we will have to indulge that gift and have some critters around for you to play with.

Also, you are fascinated by teeth. Whenever someone holds you, your first impulse is to stick your finger in their mouth and start examining their teeth. You do it to me all the time, with the biggest grin on your face. Future dentist perhaps???

7 Quick Takes Friday: Proust Questionnaire, part 1

2011-06-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

I don't have any exciting news or creative ideas this week, so I am going to do 7 takes based on the Proust Questionnaire. I plan on doing the whole questionnaire eventually, though maybe not on consecutive Fridays. The fun part, for me, will be if you lovely readers will play along and answer the questions in the comments as well. Pretty please?

- 1 -

Your favorite virtue?

If we are talking classical virtues, then I would say Temperance, because it's the one I don't have and wish I did! If we are talking theological virtues, then I would say Hope. Even though the greatest is love, I find myself relying on hope a lot lately.

- 2 -

Your favorite qualities in a man?

Strong character, sense of humor, gentleness, awareness and interest in others, ability to communicate clearly and efficiently, loyalty.

- 3 -

Your favorite qualities in a woman?

I actually don't have different qualities that I appreciate in women as opposed to men...were these supposed to be romantically oriented or something...eh?

- 4 -

Your chief characteristic?

Is it sad to say that I'm not sure? I don't feel like I know myself the way that I should. Maybe seeking security and reassurance?

- 5 -

Your main fault?

Well, my answer to the previous question would apply here. But really I think it is a lack of self-discipline, which manifests itself in many ways.

- 6 -

What you appreciate most in your friends?

When they pursue me and seek me out - to tell me things, to ask me things, to spend time together, whatever. I love to be thought of.

- 7 -

Your favorite occupation?

Reading. And loving on my baby.

Your turn! I want to hear your answers!

7 Quick Takes Friday: Why So Serious?

2011-06-17T14:25:00.003-05:00

- 1 -

As evidenced by some of my recent blog posts, we are in a really stressful place in life right now. There are changes, some small and some huge, coming very soon, and it's leaving me feeling pretty insecure. My husband and I have been doing a lot of soul searching and evaluating of our circumstances, and we have had to make some hard decisions. We are feeling pretty beaten down by life right now...made worse by the knowledge that many of our problems are our own fault, and that there is no reason to assume, apart from baseless, irrational optimism, that things will ever be better. They might get better, if we work really hard and be really smart, but maybe not. Sounds pretty cynical, I guess, but I also think it's realistic.

I also know this is annoyingly vague, but as I am able to talk about things, I will do so. In the meantime, sorry if this blog takes a slightly negative tone, it's just the space we are in right now. I'll try to keep the woe-is-me angst to a minimum.

- 2 -

One bright spot in my life is that I met with my first two clients in my budding doula practice this week! I so enjoyed spending time with these new mommies. (I don't say soon-to-be mommies because they already have babies and are already making parenting decisions!) One client happens to be my life-long best friend, and she is planning to have a home birth next month. I am SO EXCITED!!! My other client is a new friend from church, and she couldn't be a sweeter lady. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like I was doing something that I was gifted to do, something that I felt passionate about, something that mattered. This is at least one thing to be grateful for...

- 3 -

Am I the only one who doesn't find the "Go the F**k to Sleep" book funny? People keep bringing it up to me and how hilarious this book is, and I just don't find it funny at all. Maybe I am too uptight or prude or whatever, but anything that juxtaposes children and adult humor bothers me. Another example of what I am talking about is "The Landlord" video from Will Ferrell's website, Funny or Die, wherein a toddler says cuss words. (I'm not going to link to these things, so if you don't know what I am referring to you will have to Google them.) I understand that the juxtaposition is exactly what is supposed to make it funny, but it just makes me feel a little sick. I feel like it is insidious, even if unintentionally so. Sorry if that sounds judgy or lame, but it isn't my cup of tea at all.

- 4 -

Speaking of things I don't like, you know one thing that really makes me crazy? When people drive in the turn lane in the middle of the road. I have seen this three times in the last two days. To clarify, these people are making left hand turns into the middle turn lane when there is oncoming traffic in the lane they want to merge into. I have no problem with people using the turn lane to make the left hand turn...without it, making a left hand turn would be impossible on some streets. But once you are in that lane, STOP DRIVING UNTIL YOU CAN MERGE INTO TRAFFIC, for goodness' sake! Driving along with the traffic only makes it take longer for you to find a spot to merge! Dang, just thinking about it makes my skin itch!!!! Grrrrrr!

- 5 -

Back to a somewhat serious note: one of my worst pitfalls in life is comparing myself to others. I do it pretty much obsessively. It is bad enough that I do it with myself, but now I am doing it with my son and that is NOT OKAY. And the ridiculous, awful thing about comparing is that the only comparisons that matter are the one's where I (or my baby) don't "measure up." This baby started crawling younger, that baby sleeps through the night, this baby says more words, that baby etc etc etc. Yuck. I know it's wicked and stupid, but I have done it all my life. If anyone else has struggled with this and had any success in overcoming it, I am all ears.

- 6 -

Back to the inconsequential: On the strong recommendation of some friends, we have recently started watching The West Wing, which up to now I had only ever seen snippets of while channel surfing. We've only watched a couple of episodes, and I am not sure if we are going to get into this show or not. My first observation is boy these people sure do walk a lot. Filming that show must have been a nightmare. Also, I tend to dislike really fast-paced dialogue full of references I don't understand. It isn't a deal-breaker, but I have to really get drawn into the story rather quickly, or else I will feel like the effort to follow what's going on isn't worth the trouble. And lastly, what is the deal with the President making cheesy, Presidential sage-like pronouncements, backed up by cheesy, swelling music? It's CHEESY. Despite all these distracting elements, I do like many of the characters. And I have a thing for Rob Lowe. So I'll keep watching and see how it goes.

- 7 -

Once again, I am finding it hard to come up with a seventh take, so I might just make posting a picture as a regular thing. Enjoy:

Have a good weekend!

9 Months

2011-06-14T21:44:00.108-05:00

Well, my baby boy, you have now been out in the world for as long as you were in my belly. Incredible! Every day you are growing less and less baby-ish, and I am simultaneously rejoicing and mourning that fact. You still bring me to tears with your wonderfulness on a regular basis. Mostly because you are such a tremendous blessing, but also because I am sentimental schmuck!

At your 9 month check-up, you were 18lb 10z, which puts you around the 20th percentile. This was a drop from your 55th percentile at 6 months and 38th percentile when we took you in at 7 months. Not a worrisome drop, per se, but a little bigger than anticipated. Your doctor said it could be due simply to an increase in physical activity, or it could be because of some food issues which we brought up (more on that in a minute). He wasn't worried about it, so I won't worry either.Your height, 27 inches, and head circumference, 44.8cm, are right on track with where they have been. So overall, you are doing very well!

This was the first time we had to say "no" to several of the milestone questions that the doctor asks at your checkups, and I must say it gave me a sinking feeling in my tummy. The doctor reassured me that most all of the "no" answers we gave were perfectly normal, it isn't that you should be doing these things by now, but that you could be doing them by now. Examples: waving bye-bye, pulling up on furniture, crawling, and sitting up from a laying down position. All of those activities are considered normal to achieve anywhere from 9 months to 15 months! So there are definitely no red flags there at all. He did suggest, however, that we give you more tummy and back time to encourage your gross motor skills. Ever since you learned to sit up, you have not wanted to be laying down AT ALL, except to sleep, and you let us know in no uncertain terms (read: screaming). I anticipate many tears and temper tantrums in the days to come, but it is all for your own good, buddy.

The only thing that did give the doctor some concern was that you are not yet feeding yourself small pieces of table food. I explained to him that it took us until 8 months to get you eating baby food comfortably. Now you eat pretty much all baby foods we give you, although still with some trepidation at anything new. I did attempt to give you a tiny piece of watermelon a couple of weeks ago - just an itty-bitty sliver. And having a solid piece of food on your tongue made you gag so badly, you threw up. I felt so bad for you! And of course now I am scared to try it again! The other issue is, you don't tend to put things in your mouth very much at all. Some kiddos put everything in their mouths, which is actually a normal and important part of development. But not you. The doctor thinks this is a separate but possibly related issue. So, what are we going to do to work on this? Well, first of all, no more pacifier during the day. The doctor said he isn't sure the pacifier is a causal factor, but it certainly doesn't help you to have your mouth plugged up too much of the time. Hopefully, without your paci, you will start exploring with your mouth a little more. Secondly, we are going to start putting more food in front of you - the same things we are eating whenever possible. Even if you only play with the food for a while, that is a good step towards getting you to put it in your mouth. And lastly, we have not done a good job of eating with you at the table. Often we feed you, and then eat our own dinner separately, just for convenience sake. Sorry my little Bird! We weren't thinking about the important social aspect of meal eating! We will do better! Hopefully, with these efforts, you will start moving away from baby food at your own good pace. If that doesn't happen in the next few months, we may have to see an occupational therapist, as it might indicate that you have some oral sensitivities that will need a little extra attention.

(Self-directed aside: Even though by and large Josiah is thriving, I have to admit that after that doctor's appointment I have been struggling not to feel like a terrible mother. The doctor couldn't have been kinder or more reassuring, but my internal dialogue has still been pretty harsh. I guess it is far better that I be sensitive to these things rather than aloof, though, right? Obvious statement alert: parenting is hard.)

Despite all my angst over what you aren't doing yet, we were able to say "yes" to many more milestones! Your dexterity is improving all the time - you pick up multiple items at a time, move them from hand to hand, and use your fingers to pinch-grip little things. You are starting to put things and take things out of bowls and buckets, although not to the obsessive, repetitive degree that will come later. You look for objects that I have taken away or that have moved out of your sight, and you reach for things you want that are far away. Oh, and one exciting development - you finally respond to your name! Although we still call you all kinds of nicknames a lot of the time, we have made an effort to call you by your name more often, and now you finally recognize it.

Your vocabulary has expanded to include "da da da" and "na na na" - and some of those vowels are sometimes sounding more like "deh deh deh." You babble and talk all day long, and it is SO STINKING CUTE. It is made even cuter by the old man face you make when you are talking, and then the four little teeth you have just put me over the top from all the cuteness.

What is probably most delightful about you is your charming, extroverted personality. You are such an expressive, flirtatious, people-person. This is going to sound like I am an obnoxious mommy who is deluded with pride and love for her rather ordinary offspring, but I am telling the truth: you turn heads more than your average baby. Seriously, I cannot go out in public without people stopping to gush over you, or without over-hearing people talking about how cute you are. I know people love babies, and that all babies get attention - but I have tried to be observant about this, and I honestly think you draw people in more than usual. Your daddy and your Aunt Kathy both observed the same thing, completely independently from me. I consider it a sweet gift that you have been given, one that will be a huge blessing if it continues into adulthood.

I love you more than words can say, my sweet Josiah Bird!

I Did It

2011-06-13T10:28:00.000-05:00

It's done. No turning back. I went for the pixie cut.

It was semi-traumatic, I have to be honest. Half-way through the haircut, I almost had a panic attack because I was looking a little too much like Justin Bieber. My hair dresser asked "are you doing ok?" I told her to press on, and to please not let me look like Bieber. PLEASE.

Short hair, at least so far, is definitely WAY easier. And it feels fantastic and light and free. Taking a shower was super weird. And every glance in the mirror is startling.

I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I like it. On the one hand, it is not as cute as many other pixie cuts I have seen. On the other hand, it looks way better than I feared. Either way, it is definitely going to take some getting used too.

But....I think I might love it.

7 Quick Takes Friday: I Can't Think of a Subtitle!

2011-06-10T12:18:00.004-05:00

- 1 -

Yes, I am totally embarrassed about yesterday's post, on multiple levels. I have no idea what the whole point of this blog is, but I don't like when it becomes my emotional outlet. Like a teenager writing in her diary, ugh. Yet, I suppose that it serves its purpose. And, ironically, those posts tend to get more comments than the posts that I think are really good. Whatever.

- 2 -

I have made an appointment with my hairstylist on Saturday because I am FED UP with my hair. (Although, it's not looking too horrible today, thus giving me second thoughts. Of course.)

I am seriously contemplating a pixie cut, despite the fact that I know my husband won't be thrilled. Or I might just color it. Or maybe I'll go crazy and do both! You have 24 hours to express your opinion on this matter, and to convince me to WAIT, STOP, DON'T DO IT!!!

I might post after pictures, if I don't end up looking too much like a clown.

- 3 -

Blogger has made it easy for you to have your own favicon, in case you hadn't noticed. Fellow Blogger users, check out the design tab, and there is a spot on the top of your template arranger thingy (that's a technical term) where you can upload a favicon. And if you need to create one first, Google "Favicon Generator" and lots of websites will pop up to help you. Oh, and if you don't even know what a favicon is, it's the teeny-tiny image next to the URL address. Now, instead of the Blogger orange "B" logo, I have a tiny little windmill. Yay!

- 4 -

I feel like that is such a nerdy thing to be excited about, and it inspires me to share with you one of my favorite little scenes from The Office:

I will never tire of Seasons 1-3 of The Office. Never never never.

- 5 -

Sometimes I am disturbed by how I am able to compartmentalize my mental and emotional space. Yesterday's post makes it sound like I am in a self-focused place right now. And today's post (up to this point) has been silly and frivolous.

All the while, my family is dealing with serious anguish this week.

It isn't that I am not thinking about that on a moment by moment basis. It's not that I don't care. But I can so quickly move from sorrow to silly, from intense to inconsequential. Maybe it's a defense mechanism? Maybe everyone does this, to a certain extent? I'm not a completely horrible person, right?

- 6 -

What I want, more than anything (ok, not more than a million dollars) is a week with NOTHING on the calendar. I love having a full life, and I love that I have so many people who want to spend time with me. But good grief, I am way too over-scheduled. Summer is supposed to be about relaxing, but my June is already packed and July is starting to fill up too.

- 7 -

Uhhh, I can't think of a seventh thing, so how about this awesome picture of my baby?

OM NOM NOM.

Endless State

2011-06-09T11:50:00.001-05:00

I'm in the mood for another free-writing exercise. Looking back on my last one, I seem to gravitate towards this when I am in a particular frame of mind. An unsettled, unsatisfied, feel like I am free-falling frame of mind, to be exact.

-----------------------------------------

I have to admit it, this is not my favorite season of life.

(Apart from the baby thing. Oh how I love my baby.)

It feels as though we are in an endless state:

of transition,
of waiting,
of re-evaluating,
of being unsettled,
of being scattered.

Of not having things the way we would like to have them, in nearly every aspect of our lives.

Of having no good choices and always trying to make the best of complicated circumstances.

(Already the scolding voice in my head is telling me "At least you have choices! At least you have a roof over your head and food to eat and clean water to drink, and not to mention LOVE, people who love you! So many people have none of those things. Stop wallowing in your first-world problems.")

Am I too hard on myself, or too soft? I honestly have no idea, but as a dear friend recently pointed out to me, it clearly isn't working.

There are bright spots on the horizon, but none of them come without a sacrifice or a compromise. And some of them seem so far away as to be nothing more than an illusion, a fool's hope.

Everytime I think we can't handle any more responsibility or change, something gets added or changed. And our capacity expands. At least it has so far. And I realize that this is just part of life. All of this is part of life, and I have to stop waiting for my real life to begin and start living the life that I have right now.

But isn't it reasonable to hope for a day when I don't feel like I am one hair's breadth from catastrophe? To feel some victory, instead of constant defeat? I don't mean a life without problems and challenges...just a life with some room to breathe.

(Again that voice chimes in "Ugh, stop being so melodramatic. It's not that bad. You make it sound like you are hopeless and miserable and that's not true.")

It's not?

Ok, well maybe I'm not hopeless or miserable, no. But why do I want to de-legitimize my own feelings? Why do I simultaneously want to hide my feelings and spew them forth in front of everyone?

This looks like the kind of blog post I will regret tomorrow. Maybe even worthy of the delete key. We'll see. In the meantime, I am pushing "Publish Post" and moving on with my day. And maybe some of you will find something to say to encourage me, maybe some of you will find words to help me snap out of it, maybe some of you will move along never to darken my corner of the internet again, and maybe some of you will recognize what I am talking about.

Inconvenience and Adventure

2011-06-06T17:26:00.001-05:00

"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." - G.K. Chesterton, All Things Considered, 1908

I came across this quote the other day, and I am not sure that I agree with Chesterton at all.

It makes for a great quip. And I suppose I can see what he was trying to say. Adventures do tend to be inconvenient. Every single thing about backpacking in the mountains is the very definition of inconvenient (even with modern outdoor gear), and yet it is an adventure that I could not recommend more highly.

But it is a fallacy to assume the inverse of a true statement is also true. All mothers may be women, but not all women are mothers. Similarly, if all adventures are inconvenient (and I haven't even granted that this is true, just that it might tend to be mostly true), it does not follow that all inconveniences are adventurous.

Discovering that there is no toilet paper in the dispenser of a public restroom only after you have finished using the toilet is only in the broadest stretch of the imagination to be considered an adventure.

You are a most optimistic soul if you find waiting in line at the DMV for 45 minutes to be an adventure.

If locking your keys in the car transports your soul with feelings of danger, excitement and bravery, then I tip my hat to you, sir or madam.

Nevertheless, despite this quote being an inaccurate overstatement, the spirit of it does inspire me to try to reconsider the circumstances of my life. Many things are not as I would wish them to be. I waste a lot of time wishing and imagining my life to be different than it is. But all that time and emotional energy could be spent trying to make the most of the life I do have, rather than fantasizing about the life I wish I had.

If I could "rightly consider" the inconveniences, the disappointments, the setbacks of my life as challenges to my character - as the very stuff of my real life, rather than as a detraction from my real life - I think it would go a long way to making me a more contented person.

7 Quick Takes Friday: Summer is Here

2011-06-03T15:30:00.003-05:00

- 1 -

Cicadas are so gross, you guys. Not to mention deafeningly loud. I can hear the chilling swell of their hideous chorus through walls and double-paned windows and over my radio. And if you go outside and walk under a tree... *shudder* To make it even better, one of our cars is without AC right now, and so we have to drive it with the windows down. I am just waiting to get a cicada in the face, and then my life can be over.

- 2 -

The pool at my in-laws' house is opening today, and I am feeling ambivalent. On the one hand, I am excited to take Josiah swimming for the first time, and to enjoy the refreshment of a dip in the pool myself. On the other hand, SWIMMING SUIT. I could ugly cry at the thought of getting in a swimming suit and actually allowing people (myself included) to see me.

- 3 -

I am currently reading five different books: Going Solo by Roald Dahl, Gideon the Cutpurse by Linda Buckley-Archer, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, How the Irish Saved Civilization by Thomas Cahill, and Redwall by Brian Jacques. As usual, I am participating in my library's summer reading club for adults, so I need to do a lot of reading this summer. But it might be a good idea to finish one before moving on to the next, don't you think? Also, do you have any recommendations for a good book once I am finished with all these?

- 4 -

This morning Joe Bastianich was on the Today Show talking about wine, and I got inappropriately excited. I didn't realize that he was quite so famous in his own right. No, I recognized him as the son of Lidia Bastianich, the host of Lidia's Italy, one of my favorite shows on PBS. Showing how much I fall in love with all things PBS and NPR, I turned excitedly to my husband and explained to him who Joe Bastianich is, with the kind of enthusiasm that would make more sense if I actually knew Lidia Bastianich personally. The blank stare Jim gave me reminded me what a nerd I am. (Btw, Joe Bastianich is a lot thinner now than he was in that picture. He mentioned on the Today Show that he is about to participate in an Iron Man. Yowza.)

- 5 -

I am pretty sure I am going to be the new nursery coordinator at our church. Part of me thinks this is very unwise, as I am currently rather overwhelmed by life generally, so why on earth add another responsibility?! But the truth is that even though it has been almost a year since we moved to our new church, I still feel like a visitor and an outsider. We have made some friends, but every week I am struck by how many people I don't know by name yet. They don't feel like my family. And maybe they never will quite like the people at our old church did...but I haven't made enough of an effort. The only way to really make a church your home is to start serving there.

- 6 -

Next week the trial for the accused murderer of my sister-in-law will finally begin. It makes me feel all shaky to know that it is finally here. Supposedly the trial will not take long, so we may know his fate within a couple of weeks. I can hardly believe that next month it will already be two years since that nightmare happened and we lost our sister. I haven't written much about it on my blog, mostly for privacy's sake, but also because there isn't a whole lot to say about it. Anyway, if you are a praying person, I would appreciate if you would hold up my husband's family, the accused murderer and the justice system in your prayers.

- 7 -

Yeah, not having the internet at home sucks.

7 Quick Takes Friday: 1st Edition

2011-05-27T12:57:00.000-05:00

As of this morning, we no longer have the internet at home.

I thought now would be a good time to try joining the "7 Quick Takes Friday" internet linky-list meme thingy. I can do it easily (hopefully?) during my lunch break from work on Fridays, and that way even if it is the only thing I get to post all week, it will keep me writing. So, without further ado:

- 1 -

WE HAVE NO INTERNET AT HOME, OH MY LANDS WHAT HAVE WE DONE, BLEEEARRRRG?!?! (Did I mention this already?) I promise I won't keep talking about this, but I think it is going to take way more getting used to that I am anticipating. Spending hours and hours on my iPhone, which I will be sorely tempted to do, will not only defeat the whole purpose, but will result in additional data usage charges.

- 2 -

We spent last night (which I didn't realize would be our last night with internet) catching up on the last few episodes of The Office. I really thought the show wouldn't be worth watching without Steve Carrell. And while there was a gaping Michael-Scott-shaped hole, I still thought the episodes were pretty strong. Especially compared to most everything else on television. The Jim-Dwight relationship is just as funny as ever, and oh my gosh I do love Andy Bernard. I think the show has certainly declined since the glory days of Season Three, but I am pleasantly surprised.

- 3 -

I have not gotten more than 45 minutes of sleep at a time for the last three nights. Teething? Gas? Growth spurt? I don't know what the deal is, but please for the love of all that is good in this world, GO TO SLEEP BABY!!! Bird keeps waking up very upset, and the usual comforting measures (rocking, lullaby's, back-patting) are of no help. He just arches his back and screams in baby rage. I have no idea how I am functioning right now, some kind of magical parent hormones or something. This is a phase, right? RIGHT?!

- 4 -

I'm going to be a doula! One thing that I haven't talked a lot about on this blog is my interest in natural childbirth and natural choices for pregnancy and birth and parenting. I mentioned it a bit during my own pregnancy and my birth story, but I can't remember discussing it directly. Anyway, as time allows I have been planning to become a certified doula someday. I have already begun doing a lot of reading and research on the subject. As the next step, I am going to attend a birth this summer! My best friend is having her first baby this July, and she is going to allow me, and my doula Kelley, to be her doulas. I am so so so excited about this, and a little nervous! But mostly REALLY excited!

- 5 -

My best friend and I have been best friends since we were 8 years old. That means we have been friends for 22 years. Because I am going to be THIRTY YEARS OLD this year. *faint*

- 6 -

I do not have a green thumb. I have killed every plant that has come into our house thus far, we have tried twice, unsuccessfully, at doing our own landscaping in the front of our house, and our one attempt at gardening was mostly a failure. I don't think I even like growing things. But I continue to try it anyway. In the last two weeks, I have purchased an Orchid, a Bromeliad, and a Pachira (aka braided Money Tree). I love having green, living things around me! I just hope I can break my streak of plant-murder. Otherwise, I may as well have burnt a little pile of a different kind of greenery instead.

- 7 -

We aren't doing anything special for Memorial Day weekend. Partly because we just want to stay close to home with the baby, and partly because we are flat broke! What about you folks? Anyone doing anything fun this weekend?

Off the Grid

2011-05-23T12:01:00.000-05:00

My husband and I tend to make most of our decisions somewhat impulsively. I do not recommend this. But such is the way we operate.

Our most recent decision is that we are going to get rid of our internet connection at home.

"But how will you survive?!" is the question most of you are asking, I am sure. And I am touched by your concern, truly.

In all seriousness, though, it suddenly dawned on me a couple of nights ago that the amount of time we were wasting on the internet was becoming detrimental to our marriage, our mental/emotional/spiritual health, our quality of life. My husband fully agreed.

This is going to be a summer-time experiment. Come next fall, when Jim goes back to school and begins his new teaching job, it may prove impossible to get by without internet at home. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Meanwhile, we can check our email a couple of times a day and do the occasional Facebook trawl from my iPhone to stay in touch. Plus I have internet at work, and we can always visit an obliging library, Starbucks or Panera should we need to do something online.

What will we do with all this extra time in the evenings? Oh, we have plans.

Restore our house to order so that it looks like actual adults live there.
Read Atlas Shrugged together. And more, if/when we finish that book.
The Couch to 5K program, and maybe (but probably not) a half-marathon.
Date nights like the Whitaker Concert Series at the Missouri Botanical Garden.

I am not sure if this will affect my ability to post here. For the past four months, it has been as though I don't have internet at home because my husband was always using the computer to study. All of my posting has been either late and night, early in the morning, or during a lunch break at work. Thus, I haven't been posting as much as I would like, and now it is likely I will be posting less. Perhaps this will help me to be more thoughtful and focused on the posts that I do manage to get out there. Either that I will be posting lots of silly YouTube videos. One or the other.

8 Months

2011-05-14T00:20:00.003-05:00

Woah. Just woah there. We are getting dangerously close to one year, and it is freaking me out! I can't believe I am the lucky mama to an eight month old!

Kiddo, you have been a fun little guy all along, but this month you have become way more fun to be around than ever before. You still have your fussy moments, but they are so much more the exception. You laugh and babble and play with a happy intensity that is infectious. Ok, so I am still tired a lot of the time, but I never tire of your kisses and snuggles and giggles and squeals.

You are not even close to crawling, as far as I can tell. Anytime I try to put you on all fours, you hold yourself up for a second or two, and then collapse into an indignant fury of despair. In other words, being on your tummy=misery. So, you spend a lot of time sitting up, and thus you are a super awesome sitter.

In lieu of pre-crawling maneuvers, you have started doing this adorable booty-scoot movement that does produce a small amount of forward motion. Basically you rock forward and backwards on your butt, and you can move several feet in a few minutes that way. Not exactly speedy, but it's something. You have also been leaning forward a lot more and trying to expand your reach. This has helped develop your strength, dexterity and balance...but it has also resulted in some face-plants and head-bonks. Followed by tears.

Your two bottom teeth have come in, ushered in by some seriously cranky-pants days. The upper gums look pretty swollen as well, but so far no teeth have broken through. I kind of thought that teeth would spoil your sweet baby smile just a little bit. And while it is a sign of you growing up, I have to admit, those teefers are super cute.

We seem to have turned a corner on eating solid foods. You still grimace and gag on the first few bites, but then once we get going, you eat fairly well. I wouldn't go so far as to say you were enthusiastic about eating, but you do actually lean forward and open your mouth when you are ready for your next bite. This is huge progress! I have mostly stuck to just a few foods so far: pears (your favorite), bananas, apples and carrots, with various grains mixed in. I have been feeding you organic baby food that I bought in large quantities when Babies R Us had a sale. Once you are well-established and comfortable with food, I am going to go back to making your food and expanding into vegetables and more fruits.

Your vocalizations continue to get more complex and frequent. The most common sound you make now is "ma ma ma ma ma" - and even though it is probably incorrect and irrational to believe so, I can't but help think you are calling me mama when you say it! You also say "ba ba ba" and "bwa bwa bwa." I haven't heard any other vowels sounds so far...I wonder when we can expect to hear them? You like to blow raspberries, and just in the past few days you discovered how to make a super-duper high pitched coo sound. Seriously, almost dog-whistle level pitch. You seem to be pretty proud of yourself when you make that sound, by the grin on your face.

One thing that almost makes it worth it going to work three days a week (almost) is how excited you are to see me when I come home. As soon as you see me, your face lights up and you start to laugh. And then, when I pick you up, you grab my face with both hands, and give me open mouth "kisses" on my face. Really, you are pretty much sucking on my face. It makes my insides turn to goo and my eyes get misty. You don't react that way to anyone else, not even your papa. And I don't care if it is selfish or not, but I love it. I love that you are my baby, and I am your mama, and no one else in the world shares that relationship with you.

One last silly note: Not only have we failed in our resolve to stop calling you Bird, we have expanded the nickname derivations of Bird. My new favorite? We have started calling you Monsieur L'Bird in terrible French accents. Sorry you have such weird parents.

It's been a good month, my bestest boydie!

Life Imitates Art

2011-05-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

Kewpie Doll

The Party Pooper's Take on Christian Unity

2011-05-05T16:01:00.006-05:00

(Even if you couldn't care less about Christian Unity - or Christianity for that matter - think about donating to Charity:Water. Because Christian or not, heretic or not, we all need clean water to drink.)

photo © 2008 Valerie Everett | more info (via: Wylio)
I used to think that the solution to healing division within Christianity was simple.

Not easy. Oh not easy by any means. But very simple. The Roman Catholic Church is the only true Church, the one Jesus Himself established. If all Christians would just recognize that fact and submit to the authority of the Pope and the bishops, then problem solved. The Church would be one.

(Picture an image of me brushing my hands together, with a satisfied look on my face.)

Then, through a series of unexpected events, I broke ties with the Catholic Church and I found myself entering what I sometimes think of as the Protestant Wilderness. I use the term wilderness quite intentionally. There is a beauty, a fierce freedom, a freshness in the wilderness that cannot be found in a cultivated garden or a city square. But in the wilderness there is also disorder and danger as well.

Leaving the Catholic Church was one of the most difficult choices I have ever made, and it caused a great deal of heartache for me and many people that I care about. It still causes that heartache to this day. It feels as though I went through my own personal Protestant Reformation, and that I carry within my own heart and body the gashes that rent the Christian Church asunder. I know that sounds self-important and melodramatic, but it's how I genuinely feel.

Because of my personal experiences, the topic of unity within the Church leaves me with conflicted feelings.

One of the rally signs that has been repeatedly posted on the Rally to Restore Unity says "I disagree, but I am pretty sure you are not a heretic." I get the sentiment behind the sign, I really do. And I agree with it in part.

But what if the person in front of you is a heretic? Heresy and schism are REAL THINGS. There are issues worth dividing over, there are issues which are non-negotiable. Obviously, I think so, or else I would not have felt the need to leave the Catholic Church.

This is why I was not sure I wanted to participate in the Rally. I want the Church to united, I really do. But I also have questions about what that unity really means, and how to achieve it. What would it look like for the Church to be united? Does it mean that we are all under the same visible authority structure? Or does it just describe an attitude towards other believers? And how to we know who these other believers are? Does it mean we hold all the same beliefs, up and down the line? Or does it mean we have the same beliefs on essential issues only? And if so, who decides which issues are essential?

If the Arian heresy were a big deal today, would a guy like Athanasius still be seen as a hero and defender of the Gospel and the Church? Or would Athanasius be seen as a harsh, judgmental, divisive jerk. The way guys like John Piper are seen by many folks today.

(note: I am not saying that I personally think John Piper is the equivalent of Athanasius. But I know some people see him that way - as a prophetic defender of the true Gospel.)

Is it stating the obvious to say that there is absolutely no place in Christianity for killing or physically harming those who disagree? Apparently not because it happens. How any Christians ever got it into their heads that burning heretics at the stake or killing thousands in "holy wars" (the worst oxymoron ever) was something that Jesus would have approved of, I will never understand. But Jesus also informs us that hating someone and calling them insulting names is tantamount to murder, and so we also need to be respectful and loving to those with whom we disagree.

But does loving one another always mean being inclusive, or do we sometimes, eventually, have to exclude? (See 1 Corinthians 5, Matthew 18:15-17)

There are lots of positive, uplifting things to be said about Christian unity. You can read about them at Rally to Restore Unity - most of which I agree with (though maybe not all). Go read those other blog posts. Really do so. ESPECIALLY this one from Jamie the Very Worst Missionary. Seriously, it's a slice of fried gold.

I do believe that there is a bond of unity between true members of the Body of Christ, and that it transcends any earthly institutions and organizations. I have felt that unity firsthand with brothers and sisters of many churches and denominations. This has been one of the most positive aspects of having left the Roman Catholic Church. I used to lump all Protestants together in the same lump. Namely, the "You are Culpably Wrong about Jesus and the Church at Worst, and Sadly Misguided at Best - How Can You Be So Blind?!" lump. I now know that this was a terribly mistaken view. And even if I were to return to the Catholic Church someday for some other unknown reasons, my view of Protestants has forever changed for the better. And that is undeniably a good thing.

Nevertheless, at this time in my life, my experiences have left me somewhat guarded about Christian unity. If for no other reason, the fact that I don't know how I could ever feel in unity (from a Church perspective) with a Roman Catholic leaves me with sad and cynical feelings. So I am not the best person to turn to if you want to hear about the positive, hopeful side of things.

Admittedly, I feel like the party pooper for saying all these things. But popularity and being on the side of the majority (or the minority) are not the point. The point is to be on the side of truth. But also, to be on the side of love.

And truth and love are always the same side.

Huh, so maybe Christian unity is simple after all. But still not easy. Oh not easy at all.

Rally to Restore Unity

2011-05-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

My good bloggy friend, Rachel Held Evans, is holding something called "Rally to Restore Unity" on her blog this week. Basically it is a internet based get-together of folks who want to see greater civility, love and unity amongst Christians, even in the face of theological, doctrinal and practical differences.

I have been debating about whether or not to participate.

Did I have anything meaningful to contribute? Did I have the time to put together a good blog post? Did I even agree with this whole internet rally for Christian unity thing?

Despite some reservations, I have decided that I do want to participate. For one thing because it is raising money for a good cause, Charity:Water. But also, and more importantly, because Jesus cared about unity amongst His followers. And so that means I should care too. I plan on writing at least another blog post on this topic later in the week. But for now, let's let the words of Jesus (infinitely more worthy than anything I might have to say) do the talking.

From the book of John, chapter 17:

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."

If you feel at all moved to participate too, you can do so in many ways:

Write a blog post about anything having to do with fostering unity amongst Christians, and link back to the Rally
Take a photo holding a funny sign about unity and put it on the Rally's Facebook page
Tweet and Facebook about it using the hashtag #restoreunity
And don't forget to donate to Charity:Water and encourage others to do the same

Like Mother, Like Son

2011-04-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

(I saved the above file and titled it "Birdie's First Typing"!!!)(These are a couple of months old, FYI.)

The Question is Much Bigger Than "Waiting for Superman"

2011-04-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

After hearing lots of buzz about the film, I finally watched Waiting for Superman the other night. Certainly a thought-provoking documentary, especially for me since I have been interested in alternative forms of education for a while now. Like nearly all Serious Important Matters, I am irritatingly ambivalent about education. And while my only child is still just seven months old, I think about how we are going to educate him on a daily basis.

Watching this film did not do anything to incline me towards public schools, even in "good" districts. But perhaps this isn't fair. Like most all documentaries, this film skews reality by picking and choosing the facts.

I don't have time today for a full-fledged review of the film (with sources and all the sorts of things that you ought to do to back up your opinions). I just thought I would throw out some of my thoughts in the hopes that it will get some discussion in the comments for a change. So...my thoughts, let me share them with you:

It is certainly difficult not to come away from this film without a serious distaste if not downright fury towards school district bureaucrats and teachers unions. There are probably some good defenses that could be offered, particularly for the unions, but you won't hear them in this film.

Possibly the most frustrating issue that the film dealt with is how difficult it is to fire a bad teacher. Perhaps there is an alternative viewpoint here, and I really would like to hear it. It seems that the hoops you have to jump through to fire a teacher are so onerous as to make it virtually impossible. And then even if you succeed in going through the process correctly, the powerful union that the teacher belongs to may succeed in getting the decision reversed. I have no problem with collective bargaining to prevent exploitation. But no one, NO ONE, has a right to a job regardless of performance, especially not after only a couple of years, if ever. And don't even get me started on the "rubber room" in New York City. I had already heard of this ridiculous scenario on This American Life, and it just disgusts me. To think that tax payers are paying $100 million dollars a year for grown adults to sit around in a building and play cards all day.

However, it is easy to overlook what this film does NOT talk about. Virtually no time is spent of the way the community, home life, nutrition, abuse and other issues affect test scores and performance. Even miraculously good teachers can only do so much. Some children don't have enough to eat, don't have safe neighborhoods and home to go to, don't have parents who advocate for them, don't have parents who are even HOME and SOBER for them. If children don't have personal security, they are not going to have the mental and emotional freedom to concentrate on learning, it is as simple as that. This film makes it seem like the responsibility for the success of kids lies squarely on the shoulders of teachers and schools, and I disagree with that profoundly. School is but one part of what it takes to raise a child.

I feel that the above omission is one major weakness in the film's argument that successful charter schools prove that at-risk children can always succeed if just put in "better" schools that operate outside of the "system." For a kid to get into a charter school, that means that they at least have a parent or guardian who cares enough about them to fill out the application to get them into the school. Other issues may still be present - poverty, lack of good nutrition, unsafe neighborhoods, etc. But a supportive, loving parent/guardian makes ALL the difference. I think that must have at least some impact on the success of charter school kids.

However, I these holes in the argument do not therefore completely negate all the criticisms offered by this film. I do think that teachers and principals need to be held accountable for the quality of their teaching and leadership. I do think the "system" either needs to take a hard look at innovative teaching techniques that are shown to bring up test scores and become more flexible, or else the "system" needs to be restructured and diminished.

For me personally, this film didn't even touch larger questions that I have about education in general. Which is fine, that was not necessarily within the scope of the film. I do casual research into education all the time, and I have read up on many different methods and schools of thought. From the classical method to unschooling, from Waldorf to Charlotte Mason, from focusing on math and science to self-directed study, from starting formal education at age 3 to starting formal education at age 7, there is an overwhelming variety of opinions on how to educate a child, on the worth of test-scores, and on what constitutes success. In this context, Waiting for Superman remains decidedly within the mainstream. Which is not a criticism of the film, but merely an observation.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the film if you have seen it, and your thoughts on education in general even if you haven't seen it.

Eastertide

2011-04-25T12:40:00.000-05:00

I missed the last two SGBP's (did anyone even notice?) and so here are the most adorable Easter baby pictures you might ever see. At least I think so.

That hat - are you kidding me?!

Anyway, this was possibly the least spiritually-focused I have ever been during Lent and Easter. I have just been so baby-focused, and so consumed with the struggles of my everyday life. Not that this is entirely a bad thing. I think the assumption that we can take our spiritual temperature and figure out if we are doing well by how spiritual we "feel" is false. Sometimes, we feel God's nearness and sometimes we just have to slog through life, trying to be obedient or repentant when we fail.

I admittedly didn't make any effort to go through Lent prayerfully and intentionally this year. Nevertheless, despite my lack of effort, God met me in a small way at our Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday services, reminding me of the basic truth of the Gospel: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) My relationship with God, His love for me, my acceptance by Him, my acceptableness to Him - these are not based on my performance or how good I am or how spiritual I feel. My standing with God is based on grace, freely given and earned by the all-sufficient blood of Jesus.

Phew! That is such good news, because if I had to be good enough all by myself, I would be so screwed.

Baby Quilt

2011-04-18T11:02:00.001-05:00

With all the various toys and gadgets and tchatckes and accoutrement that go with having a baby, one thing that I really wanted for my baby boy was a beautiful quilt. My grandma made me a baby quilt when I was born, and while my mom is holding on to it for now, it is something I plan to keep and treasure the rest of my life. But I have yet to attempt quilting myself (it is on my bucket list)(I can't believe I just used the phrase "bucket list"), and there aren't any other quilters in my family. So who, oh who, would make my baby a quilt?

I needn't have worried, because my dear friend Rachel had me covered. She let me know when I was just a few months pregnant that she wanted to make a quilt for the Beeb, and I could have asploded with gratitude and delight. But I didn't. Because that would have been messy.

Rachel asked me what colors I was going to use to decorate the nursery (which still doesn't exist), and so I told her to focus on brown, cream and green, with blue and yellow highlights optional. Other than that, I let her choose the fabrics, the pattern, the size, everything. I am so glad I trusted the quilt into her capable and talented hands, because the results were simply perfection.

Gorgeous, or what?!

And the absolute best part? Rachel picked the fabrics before Josiah was born...and would you believe she picked a couple of birdie fabrics?! BIRDIES! Before we had any clue that was going to be his nickname. I almost got choked up when I saw how perfect this quilt is for my little Bird.

Is there anything in the world better than a snugly quilt? I don't think so.

Thanks Auntie Rachel, we will be forever in your debt for this beautiful quilt.

(Extra credit goes to anyone who spotted the little Birdie feet at the bottom of the first picture. Hee hee.)

Roll Away Your Stone

2011-04-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But you say "that’s exactly how this grace thing works."
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with every start.

Seven Months

2011-04-14T13:44:00.002-05:00

Another month gone by, and this is the month that I see you turning the corner from babyhood to little boy. Oh, you are definitely still a baby, but more and more each day I see the boy in you starting to emerge. And I am both thrilled and heartbroken, my fast-growing boy.

From looking at last month's update, I can see that you haven't done much of anything new, you have just been perfecting and improving all the things you have learned to do. You can now sit up for quite a long time on your own, and you play happily with your puzzles and toys and the TV remote for a good long while. I either sit with you or put the Boppy pillow behind you because on the rare occasion that you do tip over, you still haven't figured out how to catch your own fall. But that is becoming less and less of an issue as your posture is so strong and perfect.

"My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music is still the magical song that always stops you from crying. Some of your other favorite things: You are wild about playing pat-a-cake. Sophie the Giraffe is definitely your favorite toy. You love taking walks around the neighborhood, the park and the Botanical Gardens. Bouncing up and down in front of the mirror cracks you up. And you love to play with not-actually-toys such as remote controls, Mama's iPhone, magnets and reminder notes on the refrigerator, an orange toothbrush that we have designated as yours, etc.

We took a break from solid foods for a couple of weeks. You so firmly rejected the first few offerings, and then you got the stomach flu. (So did your poor Papa, but thankfully I was spared!) But then we decided to try again - still no luck with the peas or cereal. Or sweet potato, which surprised me. The only thing you like is mashed banana, and boy do you like it a lot! I am going to try carrots and green beans soon, maybe mixed with apples and bananas if they aren't a hit on their own. Your appetite for Mama's milk is strong as ever, and all the research I've done tells me that nutritionally it is all you need until you turn one year, so I am not worried.

I have already written recently about your sleep situation, so there is nothing new there. I am still ambivalent about the way things are, and I am slowly moving towards the conviction that we should get your in your own bed in your own room within the next few months. The two main reasons for this are that I am hoping longer sleep at night will lead to longer naps - though that is certainly no guarantee. And once you start rolling from back to front (you did it for the first time ever today! Although I am pretty sure it was an accident so I don't expect you to do it again right away) I want you to be free and safe to move around in your sleep.

We found the perfect toy for you - a Jumperoo! After taking a test-ride in a jumper at your cousin's house, it was clear that you were a big fan. So MaMaw generously got you this jumper for an early Easter gift, and it has been a huge hit. You needed something to do with all that energy bundled up inside you. You bounce and bounce with tons of enthusiasm and delight. And the way you jump and kick your little piggies is so redonkulously adorable - it looks like you are a little leprechaun doing a little jig. Don't worry, I won't steal your lucky charms.

I was hoping that the jumper would be my ticket to being more productive when you are awake. And while you do like it more than the swing or the exersaucer by far, it still hasn't helped all that much. Why? Because, I have discovered, you don't like it at all when I leave the room. I am not sure if this is separation anxiety, or (as a few of my friends have suggested) if it is simply the trait of a first-born baby who is used to getting all of Mama and Papa's attention. Whatever it is, I am currently walking the line of stretching your comfort level with being alone, and giving you the attention and reassurance that you need.

Papa and I have decided that we need to start phasing out your nickname "Bird" and all of it's variations (Birdie, Birdie Boy). It made for an adorable baby nickname, and totally captured your essence as a newborn. But you aren't as Bird-like anymore. And we don't particularly want the nickname to stick. Birdie isn't really the sort of nickname we want for you as a young man. I am a little sad about this, and I am finding it hard to break the habit. It has made me realize that I almost never call you by your actual name! The baby you will always be my little Bird, but I am also happy to see you grow into your bigger self as Josiah.

Love you bunches, my sweetest boy!

(P.S. Today is also my 4 year anniversary. I'm so grateful for the love of my life, who gave me my baby boy and who loves me in so many ways. You are my very best friend. Love you, Bay!)

Let's Just See Where This Goes

2011-04-13T09:39:00.001-05:00

I am completely free-writing it this morning, folks, so apologies ahead of time for the rambling that is about to ensue.

Yesterday I read a post over at New Ways Forward, which was written almost two weeks ago but I am really far behind in my Google Reader, about why you should be writing terrible posts. I've heard this advice many times...just keep writing, even if the product is mediocre at best.

Well, I can do mediocre!

The fact is, I am as committed as ever to this blog...or at least I am committed to writing. I enjoy it (most of the time). And while I am no Hemingway or Armstrong, I think that I do have some skill and talent. (Please do not disabuse me of this belief if you think otherwise.)

(subject change)

My husband and I have been reflecting, or should I say lamenting and repenting, on how disordered and disorganized our life is right now. I won't bore you with the laundry list of our faults and failings, but suffice it to say that both of us have a tendency to surf the internet and procrastinate and fritter away time while the dishes pile up and the lawn goes un-mowed and we are buried alive in a mound of laundry and dirty diapers. And that is just the house-keeping. I've pointed to this post before - it makes me laugh, until I realize it is so close to reality that I ought to be ashamed. And I am.

I keep having to ask myself, when am I going to grow up? Get my act together? Start acting like an adult? When am I going to CHANGE?

(and this is where I attempt to bring it all together, sort of)

My disorganization, my laziness, my wasting of time and money and resources, not only hurt my loved ones but actually hurt me. I deprive myself of peace, I deprive myself of the comfort of a well-ordered home and a well-ordered day. I deprive myself of the reward of productive free-time and relaxation of true leisure. I deprive myself of the freedom to do the things I REALLY want to do, like developing my writing.

I've been trying to change for a long time. I've been praying that God would change me for a long time. I am all the more desperate to change now that I have a son. I desperately don't want him to have the same faults that I have. But how on earth do I model virtues that I don't have?

I don't really have a answer. And yeah, this is probably a terrible, mediocre post.

But at least I am writing.

Dinner Time: SGBP #6

2011-04-09T13:08:00.001-05:00

"So, what's on the menu?"

"You want me to eat what?!"

"How about instead I feed you a knuckle sammich?"

"Hmmm, was that too harsh? That was probably too harsh."

"Hey, get those cameras off me! NO PHOTOS. Dang paparazzi."

"I'm just playin' with you Mom! Sweet potatoes sound delish."

(I may not post anything all week, but by gum I won't miss SGBP.)

Yellow: SGBP #5

2011-04-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

Sleep, Precious Sleep

2011-04-01T14:03:00.005-05:00

I have a confession to make. We co-sleep with our baby.

That's right. We practice the family bed, a la nut-job Maggie Gyllenhaal in Away We Go.

As I have intimated several times on this blog already, sleeping and napping have not been a piece of cake for our little Bird. The longest he has ever slept without waking was eight hours, and he did that exactly one time as a two-month-old. For about a month - his second month - Bird consistently "slept through the night" which is defined as sleeping for five hours. Then he would wake for one feeding and go back to sleep for another 4 hours until morning. Then after a second feeding, he would sleep another one or two hours.

That was a GLORIOUS month.

But right around the time he turned three months, that pattern regressed/changed into waking three, four, five, six times a night, with increasing difficulty in getting him back to sleep.

Out of desperation to get some sleep, around four months we started bringing Bird into bed with us after his third or fourth waking. As I got more comfortable with him sleeping next to me, I would bring him into bed sooner and sooner. To my surprise, my husband actually enjoyed having Bird sleep with us, and he began to advocate for just putting him in our bed from the start.

So, that's what we did, and we have been sleeping together all night for about two months now.

For the most part, I LOVE IT. I love the snuggling, the sweet nearness, and the ease (usually) of getting Bird back to sleep when he wakes. And on most nights, he only wakes once or twice.

I will forever treasure the memories of my sweet sleeping babe with his pudgy arms reaching out for me and the skin of his fat little hands resting on the skin of my arms and my face.

And yet, as my husband will attest, I have experienced A LOT of anxiety over the fact that Bird's sleeping and napping patterns (or lack-thereof) have not been in line with "where he should be" developmentally according to most baby books and pediatrician recommendations. He has still not established a napping pattern (rather than taking two 1.5-2 hour naps a day, he takes three to four naps of varying length from 20 minutes to two hours!), he can only fall asleep on his own sometimes, he doesn't sleep for longer than 3-5 hours at a time (according to baby books he should be sleeping 11-12!) and he is not capable of putting himself back to sleep upon waking in the night. I have read three different sleep books and tried to implement their suggestions, to no avail.

Whether or not all of these things are actually a problem depends entirely on your parenting school of thought. I know my pediatrician would be ready to refer me to a sleep specialist if he knew the extent of what is going on. Many of my friends and family members have done exactly that to "deal with" the very same sleep "issues" that we are experiencing. Other people consider co-sleeping to be very unsafe, or just plain weird. (Again, Maggie Gyllenhaal.)

Other friends are also co-sleepers, and would not see any of Bird's sleeping behaviors as problematic at all. Attachment parenting along the lines of Dr. Sears and Dr. Jay Gordon encourages co-sleeping, night-feeding, and allowing your baby to direct feeding and napping schedules. According to this philosophy of parenting, we aren't having problems at all, we are doing everything exactly right!

And there is a big part of me that is inclined to agree. Bird wakes up cheerfully every morning. He plays energetically and his focus and curiosity are evident. He is thriving and hitting all his milestones (not sleep-related ones, that is). I don't know that all these things could possibly be true if he were suffering from lack of good sleep.

What if our efforts to get babies on these sleep schedules are really masked efforts to get our babies to be more convenient?

But I still worry. What if he could be sleeping 11-12 straight hours if we would just get the guts to sleep-train him? What if his naps would fall into place if we would just make the effort to get night-time sleeping in order? What if that would be better for him?

As I said, my husband has been happy with sharing our bed, and he is reluctant to change things. His arguments are good.

The few times we have tried to let Bird "cry it out" for even a little while have resulted in him screaming in misery to the point of choking and spitting up. This was in under five minutes. I suppose if we held out for ten minutes, fifteen minutes, or longer, he might (MIGHT) eventually pass out from exhaustion. Is that really how we want our baby to fall asleep?
Bird's personality is so amazing, so sensitive, so precious. What if allowing him to "cry it out" squelches even a tiny portion of who he is? What if he has to harden himself a little, shut a little of himself down to cope with being left alone? Many people will argue that this emphatically does not happen by letting a baby cry themselves to sleep....but do we know that for sure?
For a the majority of human history, thousands and thousands of years, and to this day in many parts of the world, babies have slept with their parents. Putting babies to sleep alone in a separate room is the exception, not the norm. Looking beyond humans, other mammals sleep close to their young. Isn't forcing a baby to learn to sleep alone while still so little going against our nature?

And yet I know there are counter arguments to every point made above. I am aware that the vast majority of the moms I know have trained their babies to sleep on their own (or didn't need to train them), and their babies seem happy and healthy. Plus, everyone is sleeping all through the night! And nearly everyone I have told about co-sleeping has warned me that it is a habit that I will never be able to break if we don't stop by six months, or nine months, or one year. So I feel under pressure to "fix" our sleeping situation now before it is "too late" - whatever that means.

I wish I was more firm in my attachment-parenting, co-sleeping convictions. I wish I was more confident in my parenting abilities. Being ambivalent is so tiring. I just don't know what is right. I don't know that there is an objective right or wrong. I realize that even bringing these issues up starts sounding like I am condemning people who do sleep-train and put their babies to sleep in separate rooms. I AM NOT. I am just trying to do my best, trying to follow what feels right. Trying to do my best for him.

Porcelain: SGBP #4

2011-03-26T12:44:00.003-05:00

(Whew! This has been a tough week. And thus I haven't written a darn thing. Mah apologies, you may have them. Also, it's snowing outside. SNOWING. Not winning.)

Cute From Every Angle: SGBP #3

2011-03-19T16:57:00.001-05:00

The cutest back of a head that I've ever seen.

Israel Unrepentant

2011-03-18T10:12:00.002-05:00

“Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
   but he will heal us;
he has injured us
   but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
   on the third day he will restore us,
   that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD;
   let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
   he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
   like the spring rains that water the earth.”

“What can I do with you, Ephraim?
   What can I do with you, Judah?
Your love is like the morning mist,
   like the early dew that disappears.
Therefore I cut you in pieces with my prophets,
   I killed you with the words of my mouth—
   then my judgments go forth like the sun
For I desire mercy, not sacrifice,
   and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." (Hosea 6:1-6)

This passage from Hosea came to my mind inspired by today's discussion on Rachel Held Evan's blog. I think as much as possible, any reflections or sacrifices made during Lent should be tied into what is really happening in my life and in the world. This faith of ours is not abstract. It is in the here and now, in the pleasure and the pain of life, in the miseries of natural disaster, and the miseries of our personal sin.

God is calling us to repentance in the midst of all of it. Am I listening? Will I respond?

Slainte!

2011-03-17T14:02:00.000-05:00

I am currently reading "How the Irish Saved Civilization" by Thomas Cahill, and so I have been in an Irish frame of mind for a week already. The wee bit o' Irish that is within me (great-grandma was a Keenan) hopes that I get to see the Emerald Isle one day. In the meantime, I'll be happy with wearing my green and orange today, and celebrating with some corned beef and cabbage tonight.

The rest of this post is the same thing I have posted for the last two Patrick's Days. Why mess with perfection?

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

St. Patrick's Breastplate

I bind unto myself today
The strong name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me for ever,
By power of faith, Christ's Incarnation;
His baptism in the Jordan River;
His death on cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb;
His riding up the heavenly way;
His coming at the day of doom;
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of the Cherubim;
The sweet 'Well done' in judgment hour;
The service of the Seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the Prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord,
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the starlit heaven,
The glorious sun's life-giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea,
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, his shield to ward,
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours
Against their fierce hostility,
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death-wound and the burning
The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the name,
The strong name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
salvation is of Christ the Lord.

AMEN!

Six Months

2011-03-14T22:11:00.002-05:00

I can hardly believe you have been with us for half a year already, baby Bubbers! (Well, actually you have been with us for 15 months, but we didn't get to see you those first 9 months...)

Happy Half-Birthday, my Bird!

Let's see, what can I say about you? You remain as high energy, curious, and active as ever. You are on a daily mission to LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS. Exploring your environment is what you are all about. Sometimes that means you are cranky as all get-out when I don't keep you entertained enough. Many days you wear me out, and so the Praise Babies DVD (your favorite) gives me a chance to rest or get something done. Although, you have been less fussy lately, I've noticed, which has been wonderful. When you nap well (which is not always the case...SIGH) it makes such a big difference. All your different babysitters (Ma-Maw, Aunt Kathy, Cousin Lauren, and a couple of friends) have all said you are sweet as pie and fun to take care of. Well I knew you were sweet...but easy? Actually, you are easy to take care of, you just can't sit still!

You have mastered rolling over - in fact, you won't stay on your tummy any more, not even for one minute. As soon as I put you on your tummy, BLOOP, you roll right over. Next up, rolling from back to tummy. You roll onto your side all the time, but that is where you stop. Since you hate being on your tummy so much, why would you roll over all the way anyway? Not sure if that is going to hold you back from crawling...but that is ok, I am in no hurry for you to be mobile!

You are getting so close to sitting up reliably. You can do it for several minutes on your own, but eventually either you topple over from losing balance, or you get fed up with sitting and you arch your back, flinging yourself backwards and scooting your butt forward. You pull this move all the time when you are sitting, whether it be on the floor, on my lap, in your swing, wherever. Papa and I call this move of yours "The Snake." Anyway, we practice sitting up every day, and every day you can do it for longer and longer. I am looking forward to this being another step towards you being able to play independently.

Your finger and hand dexterity has improved so much in just the last couple of weeks. Now when you reach out to grab something, your hand goes right to it instead of sort of flapping in the object's general direction until your fingers make contact. You love to shake and flap things to see what they sound like, to bang things on the floor or table, and to drop things. You can transfer things from one hand to the other. And you have been playing with your paci more and more...a couple of times you almost managed to put it back in your mouth all on your own.

(I'm sorry, but just look at those thighs. Om nom nom.)

At your six month appointment, Dr. Z said you were flourishing and hitting all your milestones. You weighed 17lb 10oz, which puts you at about the 55th percentile. Which is wonderful, although you went from 98th to 73rd and now 55th! But Dr. Z said he likes to see babies move towards the middle, and you seem healthy as a horse so all is good! You are also right in the middle for height - 26 inches - and head circumference. It does seem like we are always dealing with some kind of minor health issue, though, and right now it is some kind of wicked rash on your kibbles and bits. Diaper rash cream did not help it after almost a month. Dr. Z prescribed a anti-fungal medicine in case it was a yeast infection, but after of putting that on you for a week I am pretty sure it is not helping. Next up is a steroid cream for dermatitis. It doesn't seem to bother you, but it looks awful, poor Bubba.

I see I still haven't written a post about our sleep issues. I must get to that. Let's just say for now that things are not as I would like them to be, but we are surviving.

Six months means that it is time to start introducing you to foods! A couple of weeks ago, your Aunt Kathy gave you some apple pieces to munch on in one of those safety fresh food feeders, and she said you enjoyed it. Last week I gave you some organic brown rice cereal, and you seemed to like it alright. You did have a weird look on your face, but you kept opening your mouth for more until you ate the whole bowl I prepared for you. But ever since then, you have resoundingly rejected eating any solid foods. No more cereal, no more apple, no peas, nothing. You gag and cry and turn your head and kick your pigs, DO NOT WANT. So I guess maybe you just aren't quite ready for solids. Every baby is on his own timeline, and I want to respect that for you. So I put all the fresh peas that I made for you in the freezer for later, and I am going to wait a couple of weeks before trying again. I don't want solid foods to become a negative association for you. For now, you are definitely still a boob man!

(I know this month's photos are especially lousy. What can I say, I have an old digital camera that only has like 4 megapixels or something crazy. And I don't know squat about photography. Ah well.)

Trust in the Lord

2011-03-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Newly Acquired Skill: SGBP #2

2011-03-12T11:23:00.001-06:00

The Weight of the World

2011-03-11T19:19:00.001-06:00

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

I have been weeping on and off all day at the heartache and loss of a family I don't even know.

A woman in my CBS Bible study recently asked us to pray for a family that she knows, the Husmann family. A little over two weeks ago their son, Jaxton, was born with Trisomy 18. He died on Wednesday when his parents came to the agonizing decision to remove him from life support. I only know as much as I do because the family has been documenting their experience on Lisa Husmann's blog, When I Count My Blessings.

(I hesitated to post that link...I am not even sure why. I firmly believe in the right for this family to process their sorrow however they choose, and if that includes publicizing it on the internet, that is their choice and it is to be respected. Some people find it exploitative, but this family apparently finds it healing to be able to share and ask for support online. Despite that, I still hesitated to link to the story. I guess I don't want any of you to think I am pandering. And I don't want to expose any of you to the sorrow that I am feeling right now.)

There is no shortage of stories online about the loss of children: Loralee, Heather Spohr, To Think is to Create, and numerous, numerous others more and less well-known.

For whatever reason, none of them hit me as hard as this story has. It may have something to do with the fact that now I am a mom. I also think it is because I followed the story in real time, rather than reading about it after the fact. I think it is because I myself actually prayed for this baby and this family.

All I know is that last night, when I read that Jaxton had died, and I saw the pictures of his last moments with his mommy and daddy, I completely lost it. In fact, I am crying again as I write this.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

This may sound callous, but the fact is that Jaxton's death and the suffering of the Husmann family is just one example in an endless barrage of suffering going on in the world at any given moment. How many other babies died of birth defects the very same day as Jaxton? How many babies died of AIDS, or starved to death, or died of disease brought on by dirty water?

How many are suffering in Japan right now? How many continue to suffer in Haiti? New Zealand? The Middle East? The very city in which I live?

My husband comforted me in my sadness last night, but told me that it takes a kind of mental discipline not to go to pieces over the suffering of others. Again, that sounds callous. But he is right. It is good to be empathetic, it is blessed to mourn with those who mourn. But there is endless reason to mourn. I had a million reasons to weep before I ever even heard of Jaxton, and tomorrow there will be a million new reasons to weep.

The world is so freaking messed up. It's all broken, broken, broken.

But if I go down the rabbit hole of letting it all get to me, I would break under the weight of the suffering of the world.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

I am not feeling much hope right now. I have spent the better part of the day asking the perennial "why, God? Why?"

I know I can't stay in this mental space, but I don't think it is bad to be here for a while. In fact, it is more than appropriate considering the season we just entered. Lent is a time to think about our mortality, and mortality is definitely what I am thinking about today.

While I am stuck in the sadness right now, there is the hope of Easter.

I do believe that someone else bears the suffering of the world.

I do believe that in the end, He will make all things new.

We will all eventually return to dust, and everything we do will turn to ash. But God can do amazing things with dust. He did it once before, and I know He will do it again.

Please pray for the Husmann family, and for the people of Japan, and oh HECK, pray for the world!

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T13:04:00.004-06:00

photo © 2006 Sarah (Rosenau) Korf | more info (via: Wylio)
"I have slowly become aware of what my Lenten practice might be. It might be the development of some type of "holy indifference" toward the many small rejections I am subject to, and a growing attachment to the Lord and his passion. I am constantly suprised at how hard it is for me to deal with the little rejections people inflivt on each other day by day....This atmosphere often leaves me with a feeling of being rejected and left alone. When I swallow these rejections, I get quickly depressed and lonely; then I am in danger of becoming resentful....

But maybe all of this is the other side of a deep mystery, the mystery that we have no lasting dwelling place on this earth and that only God loves us the way we desire to be loved. Maybe all these small rejections are reminders that I am a traveler on the way to a sacred place where God holds me in the palm of his hand."

- Henri Nouwen, excerpted from ¡Gracias! A Latin American Journal, as found in Lent and Easter Wisdom from Henri J.M. Nouwen, compiled by Judy Bauer

Shrove Tuesday

2011-03-08T15:28:00.003-06:00

photo © 2010 Takver | more info (via: Wylio)
Most people know this day as Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday. One last day to live it up before Lent begins.

(I don't want to begrudge people a good time, but talk about missing the whole point.)

Another name for today, a far more appropriate name in my opinion, is Shrove Tuesday, or Shrovetide. To shrive is an old English word meaning to hear confession. It has been a long tradition in the Church to go to confession on the day before Ash Wednesday to begin Lent with a clean slate, as it were.

I no longer practice confession to a priest, but confession remains an important part of my Christian life (as it should for any Christian). Confession to the Lord and and to my fellow human beings.

Even if you aren't a Christian, or a theist of any kind, it is a good idea to periodically take the time to assess your life, to admit your faults, to make amends. Think of it as spiritual spring cleaning.

Ooh Moon

2011-03-08T12:02:00.005-06:00

Today is turning out to be my day! First, Bird took a TWO HOUR NAP this morning, after falling asleep all on his own, hallelujah.

Then, I opened my Google Reader only to discover that we had been chosen by Katie Moon to receive an illustrated family portrait!!! Oh glorious day!

Is that not freaking adorable, or what???

I have been following Katie's blog since day one, and I am a big big fan. Each day Katie does a new illustration, and for 24 hours you can download it for free! To use however you want! Can you believe it?! And if you miss downloading an illustration while it is free, you can purchase it for a very reasonable price, considering how much artwork usually costs. I think she is super generous, not to mention talented.

Speaking of talent, I can't believe how well Katie captured our little family! We really are this happy, believe it or not. We are so blessed, and now we have such a fun and unique display of our blessed and happy life. Thank you, Katie Moon!!

Like Newborn Babes

2011-03-06T18:14:00.001-06:00

"Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation..."

1 Peter 2:1-2

(Full disclosure, I am still working on the last two weeks verses! Perhaps a verse a week was too ambitious? First The Shred, now this? See what happens with me, I make worthy resolutions and then I crumble. But I won't give this up so easy!)

Saturday Gratuitous Baby Picture #1

2011-03-05T12:26:00.002-06:00

If I don't reign myself in, I could very easily slip away from actual blogging and just resort to posting pictures of Bird all the time. Especially since I take about a billion pictures of him every day. So how's about this? Baby pictures will henceforth be limited to Saturdays, unless they somehow pertain to the topic at hand. M'kay?

Sounds good to me.

...............................................

The Saturday Evening Blog Post is out today - head on over to check out everyone's best blog posts from the month. Add your best post this month and join in! And check out Elizabeth Esther's blog while you are at it, she is one of my new favorites.

Instant Cold

2011-03-03T16:50:00.000-06:00

I was determined that I was going to write something interesting on this here blog today. Something relevant and thought-provoking and impactful and whatever other buzzword. I woke up today with a feeling of purpose and optimism.

My baby woke up with a cold and a cough. A cold that is producing the most incredible snot-cicles I have ever seen, and a cough that actually made him throw up. Not spit up. Throw up. Poor baby.

But no matter! Babies get colds! I can still attack this day with verve and purpose! Right?!

Except that about two hours ago, my head started feeling funny, like it was stuffed with cotton. Huh, that's funny, maybe I need to eat something. Silly blood sugar.

Then my eyes started to feel burny and achy. Weird, I wonder if the mold count is high today or something. Oh well.

And then my nose started to run. Oh crap.

Seriously, I developed a cold in like 15 minutes. I didn't know that could happen.

So, I won't be writing anything interesting today. If I could, I would be spending the rest of the day in sweats, in bed under many covers, with Enya playing in the background, reading my latest library book and sipping hot tea.

But my baby has a cold too, so I will be taking care of him instead. Well, maybe with the tea and the Enya.

Instagram

2011-02-27T18:48:00.001-06:00

I'm just a little obsessed with Instagram lately. It is totally My New Favorite.

(Which one is your favorite?)

The Fruit of the Spirit

2011-02-27T18:40:00.000-06:00

"But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

Galatians 5:22-23

(Confession: I still have not memorized last week's verse because for some reason it just wont stick in my brain! It's too long, wah wah wah.)

7 Facts Blog Award: Feet Edition

2011-02-24T15:30:00.004-06:00

I have lots of ideas for blog posts, you guys, but the way things are going I am not sure how long it will take me to get around to them all. My husband and I share a computer, you see, and these days he uses it pretty much all day for his seminary studies. And while it is possible to blog from my iPhone, I'm not that committed to posting every day. Sorry!

But while I do have a few moments, here's something fun! My sweet friend, both online and in real life, Designer Jules, gave me a blog award! Which isn't really so much an award, as one of those forward, meme, list thingies. But whatever, I'll take it! Thanks, Julia. And the rest of you, go check out Julia's blog, she sews and makes all sorts of lovely things and recently opened an Etsy shop.

The rules for the award are as follows:

Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award (check)

Share seven things about yourself

Award some recently discovered great bloggers

Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award

So...seven things about myself. Let's see. I am literally thinking as I write this, and I have no idea what seven things to tell you that I haven't already told you. In the immortal words of Winnie the Pooh: think think think...

OK! I have it! Julia was smart and chose seven things with a theme - her crafty hobby/business. I will share seven things also with a theme - seven things about MY FEET. (Can you tell I am in a silly mood?)

Exhibit A.

1. I'm quite fond of my feet. I think they are one of my better features. Which might be a pretty sad thing, now that I think about it. But whatever, I think I have cute feet with very cute toes. And high arches that for some reason make me proud. Like I had anything to do with them. I guess I just think flat feet look kind of weird. Sorry to all of you with flat feet! Some of my favorite people in the world have flat feet, so don't take it too hard.

2. My feet are not perfect, though. I already have bunions. Which, can I just say that bunion is a really GROSS word for something that isn't all that gross? I actually had to go to a podiatrist because the bunion in my right foot was causing pretty significant pain in my big toe. He gave me some stretches to do and made me buy expensive orthodic inserts. I no longer do the stretches, nor do I ever wear the orthotics. But the pain has stopped, so success?

3. I used to be very self-conscious about my feet because one time when I was about fifteen years old a seven-year-old made fun of them. Why I should have cared what a seven-year-old punk kid thought about my feet, I don't know, but for some reason it really hurt my feelings. It was a while before I felt comfortable wearing sandals again. That's how insecure I was in high school.

4. The reason that kid made fun of my feet is because they are double-jointed, and there is a spot on the tops of my feet where the joint protrudes. Those spots have always had rough, slightly darker skin. Kind of like having elbows on the tops of my feet. (Wow. That sounds nasty. What was I saying earlier about having cute feet?)

5. Some of my favorite things to put on my feet: Danskos, Toms, Chacos, Birkenstocks, Tevas, Smartwool socks, etc. I don't know anything about fancy fashionable shoes, like Malano Blandicks or whatever they are called. Although, I could get into them given the opportunity. I could spend so much money on shoes!

6. I adore getting pedicures, and if I could afford it I would have no moral qualms with having one a week.

7. If we assume that I have taken an average of 5,000 steps per day (thanks Google!), then as of today my feet have taken 53,270,000 steps. That's a lot!

WELL, if you have read this far, congratulations. You now know more than you ever wanted to know about my feet.

Now I hereby pass this ~~esteemed~~ award on to my bloggy friends Papua Girl in Dallas and Julia Blogs It Like She Sees It for being such faithful commenters and for having super cool blogs that you should visit right away! Heck...if you are reading this, you can consider yourself awarded if you want to participate too. And then you can tout your own blog in the comments. I'm all about sharing the love.

A Living Hope

2011-02-20T18:14:00.000-06:00

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you..."

1 Peter 1:3-4

(If any of you ARE memorizing these passages along with me, would you let me know? I kind of doubt any of you are, but it would be fun to be pleasantly surprised!)

Updated: We Have a Roller

2011-02-14T19:51:00.001-06:00

Remember how I said today that Josiah's rolling over was still unintentional? Nevermind that, I have a baby here who just rolled over to reach his puppy doll, and has subsequently rolled over eight more times right after being placed on his tummy. And boy is he pleased with himself. I'm pretty pleased too.

Five Months

2011-02-14T10:47:00.001-06:00

Well, sweet boy, you are another month older, another month more delightful, another month cuter!

There were a couple of not so fun milestones this month. Your first double ear infection - poor baby! You were crankier than usual and just struggling all the time, so on a hunch we made a doctor's appointment, and sure enough your ears were a mess. I wasn't pleased to already have to give you antibiotics so young, but it worked like a charm and your ears have been clear for a few weeks now.

We also took our first trip to the ER. It is not as scary as it sounds, but it was still crummy. On a Thursday, when you were home with Papa all day, you started making this gasping sound anytime you fussed or coughed. It was rather distressing to hear. You were cheerful as can be, you were eating and having wet diapers, and you didn't have a fever. But by 7pm, you were still making the noise and so your worried Mama and Papa decided to call the Exchange. The nurse told us that Dr. Z's instructions for any baby under six months having stridor (that's what the gasping sound is called) should go to the ER immediately. We were bummed, because we were pretty sure you weren't THAT sick. And we were concerned that an ER would actually expose you to more illnesses worse than the one you had! But, we decided your breathing was nothing to mess around with, and the nurse was pretty adamant we go. The whole ordeal took about four hours. We took you to Children's Hospital, and all things considered it was a very good experience. Mama and Papa were grumpy, but you were just so cheerful, it was adorable! The Dr. told us that you had some kind of throat virus, either Croup or something similar to it. They gave you a steroid to reduce the swelling and sent us on our way.

Sleep. Oh sleep. Things have not really improved in this area. I think I may write a whole separate post on our sleep issues, so I won't say all there is to be said. You still rarely take long naps - usually only when I nap with you, or when you are in your car seat. And you still wake up at least 2-3 times a night.

You have rolled over many more times, but you still aren't doing it on an intentional, regular basis. And you are very close to sitting up on your own, but we aren't quite there yet. I have gotten you to sit for several seconds, with your arms supporting you like a tripod. But you very quickly either slump forward, or you arch your back making yourself fall over.

After a period of being rather silent, you have started vocalizing much more again. You have discovered how to shriek, which is funny and painful. And you have started making repetitive sounds like "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa" or "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma." What is really hilarious is that you make this goofy, crooked mouthed grimace when you are talking. I haven't gotten it on camera, because the camera usually makes you stop jabbering and you look like a deer in headlights.

It could be that I am just getting used to your personality, but I think you have been a lot more cheerful and less fussy lately, which has been so nice! You are still active and demand a lot of movement and interaction, and you still are picky about who holds you and how they hold you. But there have also been lots more smiles and laughs. You have accompanied me and your Papa to many events and activities and errands that I worried you would disrupt, but you were so quiet and well-behaved every time. Your little mischievous grin totally charms everyone who meets you.

What's on My iPod?

2011-02-13T20:07:00.002-06:00

My buddy Papua Girl in Dallas recently did a fun post sharing a sampling of what is on her ipod. I feel like doing the same. But I warn you, my musical tastes haven't changed much in the last few years, so don't look to me for the latest, undiscovered bands.

"On the Radio" by Regina Spektor. I just love the words, so fun to sing along with.

"In the Hours" by Emily Deloach/Indelible Grace. Who knew a hymn could be so funky?

Most songs are either emotional self-expression, a string of cliches, or mashed together words that only make sense to the songwriter. And that's totally fine, there are many great songs that fit one of those categories. But what really impresses me are songs that tell a story. Patty Griffin's "Making Pies" is an exceptional example. I think this is the perfect song.

"Hold You in My Arms" by Ray Lamontagne. I just think this song is so pretty.

This is probably the newest band I have started listening to - "Winter Winds" by Mumford and Sons.

"First Train Home" by Imogen Heap. Will I ever tire of this song? Probably not.

Is there anyone better than Paul Simon? Nope. "Father and Daughter"

And I shouldn't go without a song by Sara Groves - "When It Was Over"

So, what's on your ipod??

The Righteousness of God

2011-02-13T07:55:00.000-06:00

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us,

so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

2 Corinthians 5:21

(N.B. Not that you probably care, but just in case you were curious, I am not picking these verses out myself. I am using John MacArthur's Scripture Memory System.)

The Very Worst Missionary

2011-02-11T11:24:00.003-06:00

After reading today's post, I decided I had to share with you My New Favorite blog, Jamie the Very Worst Missionary.

The title alone wins.

But the writing is even better than the title. Today's post is hysterical and thought-provoking and honest and ordinary all at the same time.

My favorite bit:

The people in my life who have most influenced me are those who fed me when I was hungry. They are the women who came alongside me when raising babies felt a little bit like being slowly eaten by cuddly, diapered piranha."

Or actually, this might be my favorite:

"The only problem is that there are fat piles of dog crap everywhere. We’re talking about insane amounts of poo in every form imaginable. Fresh poo. Old poo. Crusty white poo. Poo that looks like soft serve ice cream. Poo made of rice and beans. Grass poo. Poo that makes you ask yourself “Did that dog survive?!” Poo with little flowers growing out of it.

I think you get the idea - The side of the road is speckled with turds."

I recommend adding Jamie to your feed readers and bookmarks. I've only been reading her for a couple of weeks, but I have loved (and LOL'd at) every post.

(Also, I know this is not really relevant, but isn't she so pretty?? Gosh. That is totally how I would have my hair if it wouldn't make me look like a fat-faced third grader.)

The Shred Goes Bust

2011-02-10T16:39:00.000-06:00

You guys, I totally fell off the Shred-wagon.

FAIL.

(But doesn't Shredwagon sound like a good name for a metal band?)

Anyway, this was supposed to be my third-week check-in, but I haven't done the Shred since last Friday. I fully intend to start over again. Especially since it was working! And it was making me feel good! So I don't even know what excuse to offer except...I'M TIRED. Tired all the time. Because I haven't slept for more than 3 hours at a time in months. But that is a whole other post...

The Tables of My Memory

2011-02-07T23:10:00.002-06:00

My husband and I have decided to harken back to the age old practice of memorizing Scripture verses. We weren't taught to do this as kids, perhaps to our great loss. After many years of rejecting rote memorization as a useful educational tool, I think many people are waking up to the fact that memorization can be invaluable. I know this is my opinion.

I first began to form this opinion under the guidance of one of my college professors. He is a jack of all trades professor, so I had him for Latin, Poetry, Philosophy, and even a backpacking class in the Colorado Rockies. This man is a walking library of poems and passages from literature and history (in multiple languages). In all of his classes he extolled the virtue of memorizing things, particularly poetry. You see, if you memorize, then you always have a well of beauty, wisdom, encouragement and insight to draw from. No books or internet connection needed. The poetry, the literature, the Scripture becomes a part of you.

So, I am memorizing one verse a week, with the hopes that at the end of a year I will have more than four dozen passages of Scripture in the quiver of my mind, ready to pull out when faced with temptation, fear, confusion, sorrow, joy and thanksgiving. I thought I would share the passages with you, in case some of you would like to do this exercise along with me. And if all goes well, maybe next year I will be more ambitious and tackle some poems!

The verse for this week is from 1 Peter 1:18-19.

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect."

Who Inspires YOU?

2011-02-04T15:07:00.003-06:00

I don't think I have a personal hero.

I am thinking about this because I noticed on a friend's Facebook profile that there is a new "People Who Inspire Me" section. I considered adding some people to my own profile, just for fun. But as I tried to think of who to list, I drew a blank.

Oh, there are all sorts of people that I admire for various reasons. And of course the one person above any other person that I want to imitate, that I want to know better, that I want to be associated with, is Jesus. And while He's very important, He's also sort of a given.

Other than Jesus? I have no idea.

Does it even matter if I have a personal hero? According to a professor I had in seminary, in addition to having a personal mentor (I don't have one of those either, but that's another story), we should have heroes - mentors from afar, living or dead, whose lives and deeds and writings inspire and resonate with us personally and specifically.

I know who my husband's personal heroes are; he just mentioned them the other day. Although I could have told them to you anyway. John Piper and John Calvin. Anyone who knows Jim very well would probably be able to identify at least one of those two. But my husband is very pure, direct and simple in his passions. He is like a lightening bolt.

Me? I am more like a mushy lump of goo.

Do you have a personal hero? Or heroes? How about candidates for who MY personal hero might be??

(Seriously folks, how about some comments? If you are reading this, please comment. It only takes a minute. This is my shameless plea.)

The Shred - Week 2

2011-02-03T13:20:00.002-06:00

Two weeks, and I haven't given up on The Shred yet. For me, that is an accomplishment in and of itself. Perseverance is not exactly one of my hallmarks.

I have decided to skip Sundays, partly to give my muscles a chance to recover, partly to honor the Lord's Day, and partly because Sunday is a really jam-packed day for us, schedule-wise. I am not sure if this is an entirely smart decision, because my workout is wicked hard on Mondays, but there you have it.

And confession time: I did skip two other days, both times because I accidentally fell asleep early. The first time I skipped was well over a week ago, and I just let it slide. The second day I missed was yesterday, so to make up for it I plan on doing it twice today - I already did it once this morning and will do it again this evening.

I have moved up to Level 2, and so far I am hating Level 2 for being such a jerk. It does get easier over time, but I have to do the modified versions of most of the exercises to get through it. But the whole point is to be pushing myself for twenty full minutes, and I am certainly doing that. "You want results, they're not coming for free." Ok, Jillian! I get it! Geez.

Anyway, it's paying off. After two weeks, the scale this morning reported that I have lost seven pounds. Whoop whoop! A friend suggested that it makes more sense to compare measurements rather than pounds lost. She is totally right, but I am a lazy chump and I have not measured myself yet. So.

Two weeks, current weight: 137 pounds

Spiritus Sanctus

2011-02-02T12:16:00.002-06:00

"The Holy Spirit is a beautiful person to be known and worshipped,
not a buzz to be felt."

- John Piper, lecture on Martin Luther, 1996

More Bloggy Things

2011-02-01T21:55:00.000-06:00

In an effort to try and pull this blog away from being JUST about babies (although there is nothing wrong whatsoever with mommyblogging, nor is there anything boring about motherhood, just ask Her Bad Mother), I am going to try to reinstate a few features that have fallen by the wayside.

EtsyLove - wherein I post pretty things that I like
My New Favorite - wherein I share things that are my favorite
Recipes - self-explanatory
Quotes - also self-explanatory

Admittedly, this blog will continue to be primarily about my life, which means it will primarily be about my baby, with the occasional smattering of posts about some sort of theological issue or current affair. But I've asked you, faithful readers, a couple of times about what you like best about my blog, and again and again you say you like that it doesn't speak to one particular niche, but that it is just about whatever sort of things I feel like writing about. Which is crazy to me, but I can tell it is true by commenting patterns. (You guys never like it when I post about serious stuff! Or at least you never have anything to say in response.)

Oh, and for those of you with iPhones and Blackberries and Androids and all manner of weapons of mass distraction, my blog has a mobile version. So now I can bore you on your mobile device as well! Aren't I just the epitome of technological currency?

And now, a gratuitous baby picture:

Quickie

2011-01-27T16:03:00.000-06:00

Just when I think I have my life getting into some semblance of order, things kind of start to fall apart. Is all of life an exercise in herding cats? Or does it get better?

Anyway, just wanted to duck in for a moment to say that I am working on renovating my blog - no major changes, but lots of little tweaks that will hopefully make it look purty niiiiiice.

And to update you on the shred: after one week, I've lost 4 pounds!

Getting Shredded, Day 1

2011-01-19T15:24:00.001-06:00

So, I am playing Johnny-Come-Lately and, like nearly every other female in the blogosphere, I have at last decided to do the 30 Day Shred.

I bought it on impulse when I noticed on Amazon.com that it was on sale for almost 50% off. I have already lost all my baby weight (yay!) but I needed to lose somewhere between 15 and 30 pounds to begin with. Plus, even though I weigh the same as before I got pregnant, things are....differently distributed. Ahem.

Anyway, it arrived today and I just got finished with my first workout.

OH GEEZ, am I ever out of shape. *huff puff*

I thought I would give you updates with how it's going to give myself some accountability for actually doing it every day.

Day 1 of the Shred, starting weight: 144lbs.

Four Months

2011-01-14T12:09:00.001-06:00

I feel like I blinked and another month went by - you are growing up so quickly!

There weren't many milestones during month three, but since then there have been lots of milestones!! You rolled over for the first time just the other day. But you haven't done it again since then, so I am thinking you surprised yourself when you did it and you aren't sure how to make it happen again.

You also laughed for the first time, which was one of the most delightful moments of my life. I was playing peek-a-boo with you, and you started cracking up! Thankfully I got it on video, because your papa wasn't home. You have only laughed a little one other time, so you haven't mastered laughing yet either. But I just can't wait until your laughter fills our house all the time.

At your 4 month doctor's appointment, you were only 15lb 11oz - so I was overestimating your weight gain. Your weight gain has started to level out some, which the doctor was actually glad to see. But you are a very healthy weight, 71% is still pretty big. And you are now 2 feet tall! Yeah hobbit baby!

Let's talk personality: you are active, curious, moody, expressive, and at times fussy. You are what Dr. Sears would call a "high needs" baby. You require lots of love and interaction and interesting things to do - which is wonderful and so much fun, but also means mommy gets tired and doesn't always get a lot of other stuff done.

While we don't have long "conversations" as much as we used to, mostly because you usually don't want to be still for that long, you are very vocal and you make all kinds of interesting sounds. One week, you almost exclusively made a raspy, growling sound. It was so hilarious, although it sounded like you might give yourself a sore throat. Then you switched to making an extended "B" sound - blowing air through your closed lips. This is even cuter!!!

You haven't been sleeping as well as you did the first two months of life. I have been seeking advice from every corner, looking for the secret that will make you sleep through the night! Your doctor says you should be capable of sleeping ten hours without waking - but you've never even come close. You are sleeping without being swaddled, and you can still fall asleep on your own most of the time. So those are good achievements! We'll just keep working together on your sleep, and eventually you will get there.

One of the sweetest developments recently is how much you LOVE your papa. You have always loved him of course, but in the last two weeks or so your face just lights up with delight whenever you see him. You love it when papa plays guitar for you; you are completely still and relaxed and rapt with attention. (Perhaps mommy should get back into practice herself...) It warms my heart so much to see you both enjoying each other.

Rhetoric of Violence and Rhetoric of Fiction

2011-01-12T15:48:00.002-06:00

I rarely get political anymore, in public or in private. I have found it usually just isn't worth it, even when I have a strong opinion. But most of the time I don't have a strong opinion, but instead I am ambivalent in a sea of opinions and factors way beyond my ken.

But I just wanted to say a couple of things about the Arizona shooting.

I am no fan of Sarah Palin, or most of the other conservatives being held partly responsible for supposedly creating an atmosphere of violence as a context for the shooting. If I were Sarah Palin I don't think I would have put someone's congressional district in crosshairs. (Although, the symbolic nature of the imagery is obvious and anyone taking it literally would have to be crazy.) And if I were Sarah Palin, and I HAD put that congresswoman's district in crosshairs, I think I would have apologized for an unfortunate and indelicate coincidence, rather than simply getting defensive.

But it is just that, in my opinion - a coincidence.

A similar thing happened when my sister-in-law was murdered, although obviously on a much smaller scale. She was in a lesbian relationship, and many people jumped to the conclusion that her rape and murder was a hate crime. In reality, she was the unfortunate target of a mentally ill, wicked person, and there is no evidence that he targeted her because he hated gay people.

My husband and I were dismayed, although not entirely surprised, when within a couple of hours of the shooting, our Facebook news feeds were peppered with statuses from our more liberal friends making assumptions that the shooter was going to turn out to be a Tea Party guy.

The mainstream media was no more responsible than our friends in waiting to get the facts. And even now that the facts are coming out - that the shooter was mentally ill, and that if anything, his "politics" (I put that in quotes because it is questionable that he even had a coherent political philosophy) were radically left, and not radically right - much of the media still wants to place the blame on the politicians and pundits of the Right. I heard it all day yesterday on NPR, I've seen it in numerous articles.

As a counterpoint, I recommend this article from the Wall Street Journal: The Authoritarian Media. I am not saying I endorse the whole article, but I think it offers an important critique.

If you won't read it, and I think you should, let me sum up the part I find interesting: the author was able to find numerous examples of violent rhetoric that came from the Left. I personally remember all too well the violent rhetoric used against George W Bush not so very long ago.

But isn't it human nature to excuse your own behavior, or to have amnesia about it, while sanctimoniously pointing the finger elsewhere?

Yes, I think it would be good if people on the Right stopped using violent rhetoric. It would be good if the Left would stop it too. And I think it would be good for both the Left and the Right to use FACTS when making judgments and passing blame.

And I think it would be beneficial for the discussion of this tragic situation to be about the REAL issue: mental illness and how we can be better about treating and caring for those who have it.

And yet....

2011-01-07T10:32:00.000-06:00

How can I stay gloomy when I have this face to look at everyday?

I mean, seriously. I defy you to find a cuter baby.

Those cheeks! That little grin! What a pumpkin head!!!

Yep, despite yesterday's grumbling (the angst of which is embarrassing today, but not nearly as embarrassing as the numerous typos and grammatical errors. Ugh.) I think I have it pretty darn good.

Overwhelmed

2011-01-06T17:03:00.001-06:00

Will I ever get back to writing for this blog, apart from very periodic posts about my baby?

I'd like to, but the truth is I don't know.

I have been struggling quite a bit lately with my circumstances.

(And then on top of that I struggle with guilt for being so beaten down by my privileged, first-world, white woman problems when other women in the world would think my life unimaginably enviable. I know I have many, many blessings. But I think my problems are very real too, so phooey on that.)

I feel like I am just trying to get through each day, without much opportunity to enjoy or reflect or just BE in the present moment. The majority of my time is spent caring for my baby, which I love doing. I definitely feel that I was meant to be a mother. But every spare moment lately is given to my job, now that I am supposed to be working full time (i.e. 32 hours a week, minimum). I had enough trouble keeping up with laundry and housework before, but now I am at a loss as to how I am supposed to get it all done. Josiah Bird is not one of those babies who is content just to sit in a swing entertaining himself for long stretches of time, so I have yet to master the ability to get much done when he is awake.

When I do take a few moments for myself, I spend it watching TV or napping, without any energy to do things that build me up as a person: writing, exercising, calling on friends, crafting, cooking, etc.

Finding time to take a shower requires a level of strategy usually reserved for playing chess.

And not to be too explicit for the non-mothers here, but going back to work has taken its toll on breastfeeding. My milk supply has been gradually dropping since I went back to work, and I haven't been able to pump as much as Josiah eats. Tomorrow I will have to use the very last of my supply. After that, I may not be able to produce enough. I am going to spend the weekend trying to catch back up, but with tears in my eyes I bought some formula today in the case that we will need it on Monday. I know many good and loving mothers give their healthy babies formula - but my heart is breaking a little that I may not be able to supply my baby's need much longer. (That is a personal struggle, not a judgment on any other mothers!!)

If I had my druthers, I would prefer to be a stay-at-home mom, or to work outside the home just one or two days a week. Which is not meant as a knock against my career at all. I just feel like my priorities have shifted to my home and family, but our circumstances don't allow for me to do what my heart is telling me I should do. My husband and I keep praying and thinking and searching for a way that I could stay home, but as of yet an answer has not presented itself.

(Note to Andrea - we are pursuing your and Brian's suggestions, but that will take time and will yield uncertain results!)

Anyway, I'm just rambling on with complaints here - I don't think I have much of a point, I just needed to vent once again.

Oh wait, my original point was to say that I don't know how well I will be able to keep up with this blog. I hope that you stick with me, and keep me in your feed readers and bookmarks in case I do make a grand comeback once I have things figured out. Perhaps 2011 will see a better organized, higher-energy me!

But if not, please say a prayer that I keep my head above water. I have one very important little guy counting on me.

(Turning off the comments, because I don't want this to seem like an "oh woe is me" post intended to seek out sympathy. If you really do have a comment, a suggestion, or something you absolutely need to communicate to me, send an email - chaseafterwind AT gmail DOT com.)

2010 In Review

2010-12-30T14:07:00.004-06:00

~ A Belated Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year to you all! ~

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Gave birth to a baby!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. I have made one resolution, but I am not thinking of it as a "new year's" resolution so much as something that has been a sin issue in my life for a while now and just has to stop. My conscience finally caught up with me and it's time to reform - TODAY.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nephew Pete and his wife Laura had Judah; nephew Kevin and his wife Lauren had Abraham; friends Currie and Abby had Ellie; friends Brigid and Kevin had Evelyn; friends Elizabeth and Courtney had Garrett; many more friends, folks at church and acquaintances...babies babies everywhere!!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A cousin, Eric, who was just a year or so younger than me.

5. What places did you visit?
Cincinnati, OH
Buffalo, NY

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A bit more money in savings - not for the money's sake, but to show that we are finally being good stewards of what little we have.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 14th - the day Josiah Bird was born!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Having a baby and learning to be a mother.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Discipline in the areas of healthy eating, exercise, spending and house-cleaning. (No colossal failures, but put together it all paints a very undisciplined, unsustainable picture.) *

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Apart from a C-Section, no injuries and no illnesses besides a bad cold.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Two Vera Bradley purses

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband, my doula, my OB, my nurses and all the other doctors that took care of me and Josiah when I gave birth.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't like to dwell on the negative, so I can't think of anything of the top of my head.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, gas, bills.* Oh, AND baby stuff!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby, all the other babies and pregnancies of loved ones, my trip to Buffalo to see my dad, and a few really great Christmas gifts

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Anything from Sara Grove's album "Station Wagon" which I listened to over and over and over when Josiah was born.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier
b) thinner or fatter?
I weigh the same, but my body looks quite different
c) richer or poorer?
poorer :(

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laughing, exercising, crafting, sleeping*

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating junk food, wasting time, worrying*

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Several parties with family and friends*

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Yes, with my baby boy! (*ugh*)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
As Time Goes By

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope. I don't hate people.*

24. What was the best book you read?
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (not the best book ever, but I didn't read as much as I would have liked this year)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the websites Pandora and Grooveshark

26. What did you want and get?
A healthy baby and an iPhone!

27. What did you want and not get?
Honestly, I can't think of anything, I was very blessed this year.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Inception (Not that I loved it all that much, but I think I only saw like 3 or 4 new movies this year!)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent it with my immediate family, ate good food, watched It's a Wonderful Life, went to Christmas Eve Service. I turned 29.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
ONE BILLION DOLLARS*

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Comfortable, modest, blacks/grays/blues/browns, cardigans* (Just realized this makes me sound like Angela on The Office - but that makes perfect sense because, even though they make fun of her wardrobe, I like the way she dresses!)

32. What kept you sane?
naps, deep breaths, advice and support from other moms

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really dwell on such things, honestly.*

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't think I got especially stirred up this year. Probably health care was the one issue I talked about most.*

35. Who did you miss?
Friends who live out of town, My Grammy*

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Josiah :)

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Self-sacrifice is exactly what it says it is - a SACRIFICE.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
When you reach the proper age
I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages
How to dress and tie your shoes
Your one plus ones, and your two times two's
And you'll teach me
Of hearts and dreams
And all the most important things
And all that I have lost along the way
And I can't wait
- Sara Groves, "I Can't Wait"

(See Previous Years 2009 & 2008)

*Answers the same as last year.

Three Months

2010-12-14T17:30:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it has already been three months since you came into the world, Josiah Bird! I think we're getting the hang of this mommy and son thing, don't you??

There weren't any major milestones achieved this month that I can recall. The biggest thing is that you can hold your neck up unsupported now! You can't quite sit up on your own yet. But whether on my lap or in my arms, you prefer to be upright, looking at the world around you.

We did hit the milestone of mommy going back to work, however. It has gone better than I expected. But I did cry the first day. And when I am apart from you, there is a vague guilt-anxiety in my tummy the whole time, even though I know you are fine and in good hands. I just miss you like crazy.

We've got a pretty good bedtime routine going now, which has become my favorite time of the day. Bath time (which we call Tubby Time), followed by baby massage and singing songs on the bed. Then jammies and one last feeding for the night. Then Papa says a prayer over you, we say the Our Father and sing the Doxology. Then lights out, sound machine on, binky in your mouth, swaddled in your blanket, and off to sleepy-time land you go. We don't always get you to bed at the same time because your naps never seem to be quite the same each day. But it's usually between 9pm and 10pm.

You always go to sleep fairly easily, especially at bedtime. You have been a fairly good sleeper so far, usually 5-6 hours until your one night feeding, and then 3-4 more hours. You even slept 8 hours for me the other night! But that was apparently a one time thing for now. And the past three nights, you have gone back to waking up 2 or 3 times instead of just once. I am hoping it is a passing growth spurt or something, because the new mommy energy has worn off and these multiple feedings are wearing me down. If you keep it up, we'll have to figure out what is causing you to wake up so much. I'm going to try moving your bedtime earlier and seeing if that helps.

Speaking of Tubby Time, it is one of your favorite times of day too! For a while, I was bathing you in an inflatable tub in the bath tub, but that was doing a number on my back. Plus, you were never all that thrilled about your baths. So I got one of those plastic tubs that fit into the sink. Best decision ever! Now you grin and kick your piggies like there is no tomorrow! Of course, that makes water splash all over me and all over the kitchen floor, but I couldn't care less. I'm going to have to have Papa take a video of you splashing in the tub, it is too hilarious.

You love when we sing to you, all sorts of songs and nursery rhymes and hymns and Christmas carols and even some more contemporary stuff. But the one song that always gets an excited reaction out of you is "Do, Re, Mi" from the Sound of Music. For whatever reason, it is your absolute favorite!

No doctor's appointment this month, but I am sure you are well over 16 pounds by now, maybe even over 17. You are already into 6 month clothes. You are one chunka munka!

We still haven't gotten rid of your thrush, and we are on medicine number three. I'm pretty discouraged about it. But thrush isn't serious and you don't seem to be bothered, so I try not to let it worry me. You also have your second cold. I don't like to hear you so congested, but it really breaks your Papa's heart. I love seeing how protective he is of you. Watching him parent you has been one of the delights of you coming into our lives.

The Gift of Cloth Diapers

2010-12-10T12:51:00.001-06:00

According to a recent report on disposable diapers from Consumer Reports, a family can expect to spend as much as $2,000 or more to diaper a single child.

For families who are living on a low income, that can mean having to chose between diapers and buying food, between diapers and paying utility bills.

My favorite baby store, Cotton Babies, has launched a campaign to give assistance to needy families with small children. Trim a Tree, Trim a Budget, Give Cloth Diapers.

You can buy enough cloth diapers for to diaper a baby for as little as $100! Not to mention that cloth diapers can often hold up long enough to diaper more than one baby.

When you buy any Econobum Diapers from Cotton Babies, you have the option to make your purchase a donation to a needy family. There are donation options for as little as $6.00. It only takes a minute to order. What an easy way to help a family in need save thousands of dollars!

(P.S. If you are looking for something for yourself or your little one, Cotton Babies never charges shipping! So shopping from the convenience of your home anywhere in the country doesn't cost any extra. I have been cloth diapering for 3 months now, and I absolutely love it. I recommend any parents who might be reading this to give it a try! Or, if you aren't in the market for diapers, they also have an awesome selection of sustainable, earth-friendly, health-friendly clothes, toys and other accessories.)

(F.Y.I. I have not received anything from Cotton Babies to inspire this endorsement. I just love the store!)

A Child is Born

2010-12-09T10:44:00.000-06:00

photo © 2009 Susan WD | more info (via: Wylio)

For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given,
   and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace
   there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
   and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
   with justice and righteousness
   from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
   will accomplish this. (Isaiah 9:6-7)

The Baby Jesus

2010-11-28T21:32:00.008-06:00

A couple of days ago, I was listening to the Christmas song Child of Love by Sara Groves as I held my son on my lap. When the song got to the chorus, tears began streaming down my face as I was suddenly moved by the reality of God becoming a baby boy.

I've long understood the Incarnation intellectually, but never before had I felt its meaning so viscerally. As I held my sweet, precious son in my arms, and kissed his head and smelled his sweet baby smell, I could vividly imagine Mary holding her precious son in her arms. Now that I have become a mother and have a baby of my own, I know in a new and poignant way, at least in part, what Mary was feeling as a mother, and what Jesus must have been like as a baby.

I'm not sure I have expressed myself well here - I am finding it difficult to put what I felt in that moment into words. Because it was a realization that touched my heart and my body more than it touched my mind. But I wanted to share it with you nonetheless, so please take a moment to enjoy Sara Grove's beautiful song. And if you can, listen to it while holding a baby, your own or someone else's.

Lyrics - Child of Love by Sara Groves

Child of wonder, close Your eyes
Rest here in my arms tonight
Someday You will save the world
But tonight I'll hold You, right here in my arms

Precious miracle of life, child of love
Gift of hope, the gift of light
From the Father above
And You were made for all mankind
But You will always be mine, child of love

Gabriel's promise has come true
God has blessed this world with You
And as I humbly hold You now
In my heart I know I'm holding heaven's child

Precious miracle of life, child of love
Gift of hope, the gift of light
From the Father above
And You were made for all mankind
But You will always be mine, child of love

Precious miracle of life, child of love
Gift of hope, the gift of light
From the Father above
And You were made for all mankind
But You will always be mine, child of love

Child of wonder, close Your eyes...

It's Not All About the Turkey

2010-11-24T10:14:00.004-06:00

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. (Epictetus)

What am I most thankful for this year???

Gee, let me think...

Oh, I have it! This guy:

And this guy too:

And the fact that I am healthy and well-fed and most of all that I am well-loved. I'm a pretty lucky, blessed lady.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 100:4-5)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones!

Amy's List of New Mom Must-Haves

2010-11-16T19:21:00.002-06:00

Well, I have been at this mommy thing for a little more than two months now- which is completely incredible to me! And since I am aware at least three of my readers are expecting their first babies, I thought I might share my "must-have" list* for new moms!

Aden + Anais swaddle blankets

These blankets are marvelous. They are incredibly soft, snuggly and adorable. They are breathable, light enough for summer, and warm enough for a chilly day. And they make great swaddle blankets, unless your baby is an escape artist like mine. In which case you need:

The Miracle Blanket

If you plan on swaddling - and it's wonderful in helping your baby to get good sleep - then you should really consider getting the Miracle Blanket. It is the best, most secure swaddle blanket around. Even little Houdini's like mine can't get out of this blanket. Well, Josiah has gotten out a couple of times, but I think that was due to my lazy wrapping rather than the blanket. Seriously, you can't put a price on two hour naps and sleeping well at night!

Ikea LEKA baby gym

I adore this baby gym - and Josiah seems to love it too! We are trying to keep plastic toys to a minimum, so I was excited to find a wooden baby gym. And I don't know about you, but the majority of baby toys meant to stimulate babies give me hives. They are so noisy and busy, they look overwhelming and attention-deficit-inducing to me! To me, this baby gym inspires activity without jangling the nerves.

Flip Diapers & BumGenius Diapers

Whenever I told people I was planning on doing cloth diapers, most people reacted with either skepticism or awe, or a mixture of both as though cloth diapering were a monumental task. Well after 2 months of cloth diapering, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Cloth diapering is not difficult at all! As long as you have enough diapers, you only have to do an extra load of laundry every 2-3 days. These diapers are soft, cute as a button, and they NEVER leak. Seriously, not a single leak or blow-out in 2 months. You can get enough cloth diapers for $400 or so, which sounds like a lot, but isn't when you consider that you will spend about $3,000 on disposable diapers in the life of one baby. Don't let anyone talk you out of cloth diapering if you are considering it! (Oh, and if you are going to go for it, go ahead and get cloth wipes too!)

Robeez shoes (or something like them)

Socks do not stay on baby's feet - it is like a law of nature. And many baby shoes don't stay on either. But this style of shoe does! And they are super cute too. Robeez are one of the nice brands, but they are also kind of pricey. Right now, Josiah is wearing a pair of Ministars from Target that are just as cute.

Happiest Baby on the Block

How to comfort an upset baby. Priceless information! I'm not sure what on earth he goes on about in the book, just watch the film. You can get it on Netflix

Ergo Carrier

I've tried baby slings and the Moby Wrap, but now that Josiah fits into the Ergo, I can say that this is by and far the best carrier. The others hurt my back and shoulders, but this carrier is quite comfortable. I have the green organic Ergo, the fabric is super soft. This carrier is great for daddy too!

Baby Legs

I love dressing Josiah when we are going out and about - baby jeans and baby sweaters and all the rest. But when we are staying home, comfort and easy access to the diaper for changes are more important. Baby Legs paired with a onesie are perfect.

iPod Touch (or iPad or something similar)

This keeps me awake during nighttime feedings without having to turn on any lights. Seriously, this little bit of technology has been a huge blessing!

That's it for my list! Any of the mommies amongst my readers, please add your own suggestions in the comments!!

*Note: A must-have list is actually quite ridiculous for two reasons. First of all, I am aware that several of the items on my list are out of many people's price range. Mine included! Everything on my list was given to me as a gift. I have no intentions of making anyone feel badly if they cannot afford something on the list.

The other reason a must-have list is ridiculous is because every baby and every mommy is different. Just because the Miracle Blanket has worked for Josiah doesn't mean it will work for my next baby. So take all these suggestions as just that...suggestions!